A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale hit Teesside in the early hours of this morning. The epicentre was the Lakes Estate in Redcar.
Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly, describing the incident as being "Bang out of order," "Mental" and that it "did my head in" as they spoke to their solicitots on mobile telephones. Residents could be seen gathered together, texting messages of support to each other, whilst those who had been fortunate enough to find a latest model mobile in somebody else's car or house, were able to send pictures of the devastation to Reuters, the BBC, and the Herald and Post. The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of ?17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from Ibiza and Minorca were damaged beyond repair, along with numerous porcelain dolls and Adams style fireplaces. Three preserved areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed, and it is feared that hundreds of square yards of laminate flooring and dozens of Dyson hoovers will be lost forever . Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived, and are still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage and destruction was caused by something else instead of them.
One resident Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four said "It was such a shock. I first knew something was up when Tyson, my pet Bull Mastiff started barking. Little Chardonnay-Leigh and Kimberley-Jade came running through the cardboard door into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler Brooklyn and Kai-Keanu slept through it all. My hands were shaking so much I could hardly shoot up when I was watching Trisha on my wide-screen telly the next morning." However, another local resident known as 'Mally' said the earthquake would not stop him going to work, after all, the TWOC-ing, burglaries and graffiti would not do themselves.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Carling lager to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Majestic Bingo, Bone China from Poundstretcher and a number of Argos catalogues. However they were unable to save any furniture from MFI. Rescuers are being offered counselling as they cope with the trauma of finding many scores of photographs, the most touching ones being the sepia prints of the whole families dressed as Victorians or as cowboys.
An appeal hopes to raise money to send parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is sought after. Most needed are Kappa or Adidas tracksuils (his and hers), white socks to tuck the trouser bottoms into, Burberry caps, woolly 'Benny' hats, baseball caps and Reebok trainers. Any imitation football strips are most welcome. Food parcels are also needed. They should include McCain Microchips, Aldi beans, Monster Munch Crisps, Nutella chocolate spread and Iceland pizzas. Alcohol is also in short supply, mainly Lambrini, White Lighting Cider and Special Brew. Cash donations are also welcome. 22p buys a Bic Biro for signing-on purposes, ?1.50 buys chips and garlic sauce, and ?26 buys 200 Regal from 'Tommo' who has just got back from Calais.
But the gentlefolk of Redcar will not be defeated by this tragic incident, which will see thousands of pounds claimed in insurance fraud. In a show of defiance, they have moved their 3 piece suites out into the streets and front gardens, and are determined to remain there each evening until their homes are refurbished and fitted with the latest Combi boilers.
Newsflash: North East disaster.
Re: Newsflash: North East disaster.
do they still have racing from redcar?
Re: Newsflash: North East disaster.
Wow, how dreadful. Its less than a fortnight since there was a similar, very similar, event in Essex.
Mart
Mart