Viz top tips

[Shelley Louise]

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

[Pervert]

!laugh!

I don't think the late Mr Zevon will be too impressed by the Man Utd ones.

[jj]

If this was posted by a man, I'd love him deeply.
Doctor, does this mean I'm gay?

[fudgeflaps]

Vets. An old armpit hair makes an excellent artificial leg for an invalid spider.

[Trumpton]

And there's me thinking that you're such a sensible girl.

[jj]

... and one of thos long dried bogies makes an excellent prosthetic for a centipede.

[Peter]

The ones which stick in my mind are,

Don't buy expensive 3D jigsaw puzzles, instead buy a bag of frozen chips and try to reassemble whole potato.

Save time by only looking in the direction the traffic is coming from when crossing a one-way street. Mr S, Fulchester

followed by

Always lok both ways when crossing a one way street in case a large blue furniture lorry is reversing. Mr S, Fulchester General Hospital.