Jokes, anyone?

[Sarah Kelly]

Im useless with jokes and It`s coming to that time of year when I find myself punting around for decent ones to retell so that I might appear both witty and interesting at The Kick Asse Industry Party aka The UKAP Party....at least before the many drinks kick in and I forget them .... Any contributions of humour gratefully accepted.... To Start with ......... " I went to see a show where this hypnotist put 7 burly rugby players under...Dropping his Mike, he exclaimed `fuck me` ..... what happened next will haunt me forever! " .... You can see why i need help!

[Dave Wells]

Nice topical catholic one for you babes.

A preist was driving along the road when he suddenly ran over a frog. Being a preist he stopped, went back and to his amazement found it was still alive. So he carefully carried it back to his car, drove home and fed it some fly soup. The frog began to perk up a bit so he thought he would give it some rest and see how it was after a little sleep. After putting the poor frog in his bed the preist looked at it and thought it looked so peaceful, he leaned down and gave it a little kiss !

It turned into a 12 year old boy !!!!!!!!!!!!


And that your honour is the case for the defence !

[Sarah Kelly]

!bow! Good opener.. Funny,topical,relevant !wink! x

[MegaTon]

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on assassinated presidents.

The librarian says, "Sorry, they've all been taken out".


Woman goes in tattoo shop & asks for tattoos of her husbands 2 favourite boxers drawn on each of her inner thighs.
Her husband comes home later that night & finds her lay on the bed naked with her legs wide open. He asks what the tattoos are on her thighs. She says, "That one on my left thigh is Mohammed Ali & the one on my right thigh is Mike Tyson. What do you think? Do you like them then?" Husband says, "No, but I love the Don King one in the middle!"


What do women and tornadoes have in common?

The both make a hell of a noise when they are coming and take the house when they are leaving.

[planeterotica]

I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.


If i can survive death, I can probably survive anything.


When it comes to cosmetic surgery...a lot of people turn their noses up.

[RoddersUK]

Priest, i before e except after c, normally.

[RoddersUK]

Did ya hear about the Irish woman who called the Devil to get the Priest out of her son?

[RoddersUK]

A little boy say's to his mummy, "Mummy, why am I black and you're white"?
She replies, "Don't even go there, from what I remember about that party you're lucky you don't bark"!

[spunkie]

Failed my theory test today....aparently women are not hazards!!
!tumbleweed!

[Floydoid]

OK Sarah, here's a few.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.