Re: Seven Knife Murder in Britain yesterday
Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 4:26 am
mrmcfister wrote:
>>>
I know - fucking ridiculous. But that's this government for you.
No doubt as a next step, she'll appoint a "Knife Tsar".
That'll be swiftly followed by the setting up of a "Pointed Instruments Enquiries Commission" headed by some retired judge, whose first order of business will be to sit down with the government to determine its expenses and allowances, before embarking on the very important work of a "fact-finding tour" of Jamaica, Bali and Pattaya.
Back in Britain three months, some nice sun-tans and a quick rebranding later, OFSTAB (as it's now known) will sit down to draft a lengthy report that will take 10 months and 850 pages to reach the blindingly fucking obvious conclusion that "knives are bad news" and that "something needs to be done".
These "findings" will then be published amid much media hullaballoo and the announcement by Jacqi Smith of a raft of "tough new measures" to combat knife crime.
These will include increasing the maximum penalty for carrying a knife from a very sharp telling off by the magistrate to 100 hours of unpaid gardening in the local park wearing an orange jump suit. Repeat offenders will be made to attend anger management classes and sign a "knife responsibility contract".
These however may prove controversial with Shami Chakrabati on human rights grounds, and it is expected that many "experts in the field" will argue that the "way forward" is to understand the "issues" that "concern" young knife offenders - not to "punish" them.
New, tougher restrictions on pornography will also be announced, as the government believes that porn is to blame for the spate of recent knife attacks, since "evidence has emerged" from another government-sponsored study that being continuously subjected to graphic images of erect penises pumping in and out of vaginas in a "stabbing motion" subconsciously drives young people to commit violent acts.
Remember - you read it here first!
- Eric
>>>
I know - fucking ridiculous. But that's this government for you.
No doubt as a next step, she'll appoint a "Knife Tsar".
That'll be swiftly followed by the setting up of a "Pointed Instruments Enquiries Commission" headed by some retired judge, whose first order of business will be to sit down with the government to determine its expenses and allowances, before embarking on the very important work of a "fact-finding tour" of Jamaica, Bali and Pattaya.
Back in Britain three months, some nice sun-tans and a quick rebranding later, OFSTAB (as it's now known) will sit down to draft a lengthy report that will take 10 months and 850 pages to reach the blindingly fucking obvious conclusion that "knives are bad news" and that "something needs to be done".
These "findings" will then be published amid much media hullaballoo and the announcement by Jacqi Smith of a raft of "tough new measures" to combat knife crime.
These will include increasing the maximum penalty for carrying a knife from a very sharp telling off by the magistrate to 100 hours of unpaid gardening in the local park wearing an orange jump suit. Repeat offenders will be made to attend anger management classes and sign a "knife responsibility contract".
These however may prove controversial with Shami Chakrabati on human rights grounds, and it is expected that many "experts in the field" will argue that the "way forward" is to understand the "issues" that "concern" young knife offenders - not to "punish" them.
New, tougher restrictions on pornography will also be announced, as the government believes that porn is to blame for the spate of recent knife attacks, since "evidence has emerged" from another government-sponsored study that being continuously subjected to graphic images of erect penises pumping in and out of vaginas in a "stabbing motion" subconsciously drives young people to commit violent acts.
Remember - you read it here first!
- Eric