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Magoo, you're putting me right off my Christmas din-dins.

If you wanna compare times etc let me know- this ain't competition or showing off, it's a good motivator and establishes benchmarks.

Muay-Thai looks vicious, even though there is dignity and respect between most competitors; got a book here on basic techniques, and the pro training regimes are brutal. You must have been some machine at 5-0 semi-pro. Yeah, the ladies don't like to witness it, especially their loved one potentially getting badly hurt! Did you wear protection on the head, or was it nudity of the head? Your 5-0, were there any KOs or mainly points, and what is the match duration as a semi-pro?

Half-Marathon, 2005; 1'35 (tanked it too much at the start, badly faded, it was a mighty struggle just to kjeep going at 7m in!)last year: 1'23, Le Guen 1'36. Yours was a great time, 7 minutes a mile is good pace. My mates clock in at the 1'50ish Mark too, it's just I was a runner at school that gives me a good advantage. Get 1'15 and you are top 30 of 12,000. 1'20 - 1'35, top 70ish- 600 of 12,000.

My Mate Maggs wrote "I am also partial to having it sliced up and wrapped in those chinese pancakes with spring onion, hoi sin and all that."

'Nod arf' you great big greay chicken!

Och, the bent colonel, probably suffered a naval regime similar to the Navy/ Boat sketch in Brass Eye. Why did they recruit gays?- they could walk cock to bum and present a smaller target; they scare off sharks; they don't interfere with radar; lubriacte their guns by firearms fellatio. Genius.

Poor colonel sacrificing mumlove for bumlove, he may have had it off with The Brutal Truth, the brutal truth being that he loved a good fudgepacking and bowled from the pavilion end.

No head gear; four stoppages, and one win on points which was an arse. It was a fight in Leeds, against someone from Leeds, with a Leeds based ref. I knocked him down after 20 seconds with a left hook and the ref said I punched him on the back of the neck/head, and gave the lad ages to recover. He ran the next 4 rounds.

Most bouts are only 3-5 rounds, but the length of a round can be 5 mins rather than boxing's three min rounds. Fucking nackering I tell ya. It's the nerves that take it out of you most though. I could do 5x5min rounds on the pads and bag work without a problem, but when you're in the ring and there are a few hundred-a thousand people watching, the nerves and tension sap your strength. You can hide on a footy field, but in the ring all eyes are on you. I loved it though.

Training was indeed brutal. We had sun lamps on the cieling in the gym and always trained above 80 degrees cos some of the fighters used to fight in Thailand. I never went because it was always at Christmas time.

Your times are sound. I was aiming for 1:28 in the tace I told you about, based on my training, but I think to get under 1:25 you have to be a naturally good runner, or have the time to train like hell.

Aye, being a duck or a goose is a top birdy career- peace of mind over hard cash, and the distinction of the goose being named after the tragic Top Gun pilot and duck having a lucrative Toilet Duck franchise and Disney contract. They are literally hardened bread-winners, and spot a top dollar easily- pays for the bills, keeps them in beak shape. A duck very rarely burns out and quacks up, pure myth and punnery.

I love it when the Palm Sunday Duck comes round and delivers a palm, an anecdote and warns us of the perils of the Easter Bunny. The duck ion Scotland is a holy symbol of funny high-pitched farts. If you see a mammy duck leading the weans across the road, you must stop, or it is punishable by death by Paxo or Fudgey harping on for 20mins. Most opt for the easy option.

Death.

There is the phrase: ducks at night, I really couldn't give two ducks. Another ancient parable: See a duck on the night before marriage, and your wife will be a squaky old bint who doesn't do 'doggy' but loves a bit of 'owl-style'; her favourite film is likely to be The Karate Kid with the subtitles on.