The reasons and reasoning behind my new look...
Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2001 4:01 am
So... Why did I have them done ?
OK, here's why...
One reason and one reason only...
For myself...
Whilst I appreciate your opinions, and comments, (more on that at end of post) Whilst I appreciate and thank all those who said You look great ! Ta ! And, in answer to those of you who said "you looked great before... So... why did you have it done ?" I will attempt to answer you below... And in my answer, I also would like to try and correct, one common misconception, which continues to keep re-occurring throughout them all... In particular, in the posts of "Tony", "Callipygea" & "observer"...
By that, I mean the concept that I only did it for the industry, for my career, or perhaps more frighteningly... is the underlying implication that perhaps I was in someway pressured into my decision, by the industry itself... Whilst its easy to assume that a girl in porn, who has her tits done, is only doing it to appeal to men... Is in someway true, but also very shallow... Below, are the reasons why I did go ahead and do it, and also the thoughts that went through my head as I made my various choices...
If your interested, please read on... if not, then I understand, and thanks for your comments anyway...
Lay xx
You see, what you may not know, is that when I was 16, and aspiring towards a career such as I have now, my breasts were naturally a 32D... But, as I matured, (and it was also due to my working out at the gym a lot...) my boobs gradually began to get smaller and smaller in size. Truthfully, I was never that worried about it really, until the day when I saw myself in a classic "page 3" style pic in the sport. In my eyes, it was probably one of the nicest pictures of myself I had seen to date...
It was a picture which had been taken by Jeff Kaine, In his studio, & I was in professional makeup... Infact, I could barley even believe that it was actually a photo of me !
I was SO, SO, Pleased with it... However, the only thing that I felt was missing... Were my boobs ! Thats when it really hit home hard to me, that my breasts were defiantly loosing their size...
It was at that point that I began to toy with the idea, of replacing what I once had... But it was only really idle thoughts... The decision for real, so to speak, came when I was measured for a bra, only to be told that I was now just an "A" cup...
Ever since then, I have been intending to get them done, but, not until I felt that I had found a suitable surgeon. A surgeon whom not only had the ability to make a really nice job of them... but one who could also genuinely understand my reasons for wanting them enhanced, and see past the "I'm a model... so make my tits massive" stereotyping, which unfortunately, is now "the norm" in today's society...
My search continued for quite some time, until I eventually found a wonderful surgeon, who I felt really understood not only myself, and why I wanted a breast augmentation procedure... but also, my own personal motives behind it as well...
After several meetings with him, eventually I was confidant that he would not make me look as if I were "smuggling two footballs out of Wembley stadium"... and so... I decided to take the plunge...
An appointment was booked for me in two weeks time...
However, it was most certainly not one of the easiest decisions for me to take, because apart from the inevitable backlash, that would no doubt occur... What if my own worst nightmares came true, and I were to be badly scarred, or even... completely disfigured ?
If that were to have happened, would I then be able to deal with it ? Could I still look in a mirror, and be able to look myself in the eye... knowing what a bad mistake I had made ? Apart from the blindingly obvious consequences, (ie that my career would be well and truly over for good... How would I, (how could I ?) cope then ? & No, (just to clarify) I'm NOT talking about my career... Under such circumstances, my career would be completely immaterial...
What I mean is... How could I cope, as a once beautiful woman, who had disfigured herself, for the sake of vanity ?
During those 2 weeks, I thought long and hard about things, weighing up the pros and cons, and envisaging different possible scenarios... Until, suddenly, it was the day before the op, and I was due to ring and confirm... I knew that I had to ask myself a question, and then, much more importantly... I then had live with the consequences of my answer...
The question ? Funnily enough, one that a few of you have kinda raised yourselves... "Why am I doing this ? Is it a career move ? Is it a whim ? or, deep down, is it something that I really want, for myself, and for myself alone ?
Needless to say, I looked deep inside my heart, & I knew, that I knew the answer...
So I confirmed the appointment, and then approx 48 hours later, I looked down at myself, and said "Hello..." to my two new friends...
&... all that was approximately two months ago now...
So, am I happy ? Do I feel I made the right decision ? Do I feel that it was the right thing to do ?
Yes, yes, and yes !
I feel that not only do I have my boobs back... But that I now have my figure in better proportions as well. I most certainly feel more "womanly" in myself, and in all I can safely say that my new look brings me an inner feeling of self confidence too...
Still, that's the personal side of it all... However, if I were to attempt to explain my feelings, without giving you my thoughts, upon its undeniable, potential effect on my career, then I wouldn't be giving you a balanced reply at all...
Well, as you may or may not know, I turn 21 in a couple of months, and as such, not only will I be celebrating 3 years in the business... But also, my 21st is supposed to mark my "coming of age" as a woman... And its the aspect of my being a woman, and no longer a girl, which leads me feel that they mark the occasion very nicely indeed !
I'm not suggesting for one minute that in order to become a woman, a boob job is required, however, in my personal circumstances, I feel that for me to have done so now, and to have done so right now... will certainly not harm my career...
For example, in the USA, I have shot gonzo, in the style of either "pretty girl", or "teenage", & "college co-ed" type roles, for virtually every company worth shooting for in the states... and some I have shot for many times as well... Realistically, I would be foolish to expect those same companies, to continue to use me, over and over again, in the same roles... also, my old look, (although distinctive) was, and would have always been, that of a "younger" girl... Whilst my old look was great for gonzo... It didn't fit in with the features that get shot there... Hopefully, when I return stateside in September... I will be making fresh contacts, with company's whom my old look wasn't suitable for, yet my new one now is...
and even in the UK... a change of image, and a "re-invention" of yourself from time to time, cannot really be that bad, can it ?
I think that the above covers most of your comments... except for one... and, its...
"Would I have them done again ?", or "Do I intend to "do a Jordan" ?"...
Well, honestly, I can safely say that doing a Jordan, and becoming absolutely massive, is certainly not in the pipeline at all... Be it in the near or far future...
As for ever having them done again... Well, again, its certainly not my intention to do so in the immediate future... As I only really ever wanted back what I was once given by nature... (With perhaps just a "little" extra, for good measure...
But... as for me saying that I would NEVER have them done again... well, who knows ? I may do, I may not, but whatever my decision, rest assured on one simple thing... Should I do it again, it will be for me... because I want to... Not because of any imaginary pressure from the business...
Put simply, I love what I do, and I consider myself, to have been very fortunate indeed, with the events that have happened to me, in my life so far, and as such, I count myself lucky to have had many experiences, for my young age... But as far as me going down a path of plastic this, and plastic that, just to ensure that I remain "known..." Then... No Chance...
If it came down to it, I would rather drop it all now, than end up in a position where my body's size, shape and appearance were dictated to me by others...
Anyways... I'm off to shoot the Xmas cover of "Escort" magazine, so I have a total of an eight hour round trip, from Devon to the other side of London ahead of me, so if there are any posts in reply to this, then I wont be able to post replies immediately...
So, thanks to you all for your opinions, both good, bad and indifferent, and I do genuinely appreciate your opinions, as I know that the BGAFD regulars, will be sure to give me an honest opinion...
Finally, I also think that its pretty good, that I can make a post, then receive approx 23 sensible, constructive, and genuine replies... But with just the one exception...
Liam... with his comment re "class"... Sorry but that's pretty pathetic Liam... Especially when you have never even engaged in an exchange of emails with me, and as far as I'm aware, you certainly haven't met me either... So until you do, I would think that any "class" comments, are somewhat presumptuous ?
Whilst I can already fully understand and gather, from your previous posts, either in reply to, or about me, that you most certainly don't like me... Well, I understand that... That is indeed your prerogative... However, What I CANNOT understand thought, is that given your obvious dislike of myself... Why on earth you even bothered to go and take a look anyway ?
Ps... I wouldn't be surprised if you are reading this bit now Liam... Again, if I'm right... Then Why ???
Lay xx
OK, here's why...
One reason and one reason only...
For myself...
Whilst I appreciate your opinions, and comments, (more on that at end of post) Whilst I appreciate and thank all those who said You look great ! Ta ! And, in answer to those of you who said "you looked great before... So... why did you have it done ?" I will attempt to answer you below... And in my answer, I also would like to try and correct, one common misconception, which continues to keep re-occurring throughout them all... In particular, in the posts of "Tony", "Callipygea" & "observer"...
By that, I mean the concept that I only did it for the industry, for my career, or perhaps more frighteningly... is the underlying implication that perhaps I was in someway pressured into my decision, by the industry itself... Whilst its easy to assume that a girl in porn, who has her tits done, is only doing it to appeal to men... Is in someway true, but also very shallow... Below, are the reasons why I did go ahead and do it, and also the thoughts that went through my head as I made my various choices...
If your interested, please read on... if not, then I understand, and thanks for your comments anyway...
Lay xx
You see, what you may not know, is that when I was 16, and aspiring towards a career such as I have now, my breasts were naturally a 32D... But, as I matured, (and it was also due to my working out at the gym a lot...) my boobs gradually began to get smaller and smaller in size. Truthfully, I was never that worried about it really, until the day when I saw myself in a classic "page 3" style pic in the sport. In my eyes, it was probably one of the nicest pictures of myself I had seen to date...
It was a picture which had been taken by Jeff Kaine, In his studio, & I was in professional makeup... Infact, I could barley even believe that it was actually a photo of me !
I was SO, SO, Pleased with it... However, the only thing that I felt was missing... Were my boobs ! Thats when it really hit home hard to me, that my breasts were defiantly loosing their size...
It was at that point that I began to toy with the idea, of replacing what I once had... But it was only really idle thoughts... The decision for real, so to speak, came when I was measured for a bra, only to be told that I was now just an "A" cup...
Ever since then, I have been intending to get them done, but, not until I felt that I had found a suitable surgeon. A surgeon whom not only had the ability to make a really nice job of them... but one who could also genuinely understand my reasons for wanting them enhanced, and see past the "I'm a model... so make my tits massive" stereotyping, which unfortunately, is now "the norm" in today's society...
My search continued for quite some time, until I eventually found a wonderful surgeon, who I felt really understood not only myself, and why I wanted a breast augmentation procedure... but also, my own personal motives behind it as well...
After several meetings with him, eventually I was confidant that he would not make me look as if I were "smuggling two footballs out of Wembley stadium"... and so... I decided to take the plunge...
An appointment was booked for me in two weeks time...
However, it was most certainly not one of the easiest decisions for me to take, because apart from the inevitable backlash, that would no doubt occur... What if my own worst nightmares came true, and I were to be badly scarred, or even... completely disfigured ?
If that were to have happened, would I then be able to deal with it ? Could I still look in a mirror, and be able to look myself in the eye... knowing what a bad mistake I had made ? Apart from the blindingly obvious consequences, (ie that my career would be well and truly over for good... How would I, (how could I ?) cope then ? & No, (just to clarify) I'm NOT talking about my career... Under such circumstances, my career would be completely immaterial...
What I mean is... How could I cope, as a once beautiful woman, who had disfigured herself, for the sake of vanity ?
During those 2 weeks, I thought long and hard about things, weighing up the pros and cons, and envisaging different possible scenarios... Until, suddenly, it was the day before the op, and I was due to ring and confirm... I knew that I had to ask myself a question, and then, much more importantly... I then had live with the consequences of my answer...
The question ? Funnily enough, one that a few of you have kinda raised yourselves... "Why am I doing this ? Is it a career move ? Is it a whim ? or, deep down, is it something that I really want, for myself, and for myself alone ?
Needless to say, I looked deep inside my heart, & I knew, that I knew the answer...
So I confirmed the appointment, and then approx 48 hours later, I looked down at myself, and said "Hello..." to my two new friends...
&... all that was approximately two months ago now...
So, am I happy ? Do I feel I made the right decision ? Do I feel that it was the right thing to do ?
Yes, yes, and yes !
I feel that not only do I have my boobs back... But that I now have my figure in better proportions as well. I most certainly feel more "womanly" in myself, and in all I can safely say that my new look brings me an inner feeling of self confidence too...
Still, that's the personal side of it all... However, if I were to attempt to explain my feelings, without giving you my thoughts, upon its undeniable, potential effect on my career, then I wouldn't be giving you a balanced reply at all...
Well, as you may or may not know, I turn 21 in a couple of months, and as such, not only will I be celebrating 3 years in the business... But also, my 21st is supposed to mark my "coming of age" as a woman... And its the aspect of my being a woman, and no longer a girl, which leads me feel that they mark the occasion very nicely indeed !
I'm not suggesting for one minute that in order to become a woman, a boob job is required, however, in my personal circumstances, I feel that for me to have done so now, and to have done so right now... will certainly not harm my career...
For example, in the USA, I have shot gonzo, in the style of either "pretty girl", or "teenage", & "college co-ed" type roles, for virtually every company worth shooting for in the states... and some I have shot for many times as well... Realistically, I would be foolish to expect those same companies, to continue to use me, over and over again, in the same roles... also, my old look, (although distinctive) was, and would have always been, that of a "younger" girl... Whilst my old look was great for gonzo... It didn't fit in with the features that get shot there... Hopefully, when I return stateside in September... I will be making fresh contacts, with company's whom my old look wasn't suitable for, yet my new one now is...
and even in the UK... a change of image, and a "re-invention" of yourself from time to time, cannot really be that bad, can it ?
I think that the above covers most of your comments... except for one... and, its...
"Would I have them done again ?", or "Do I intend to "do a Jordan" ?"...
Well, honestly, I can safely say that doing a Jordan, and becoming absolutely massive, is certainly not in the pipeline at all... Be it in the near or far future...
As for ever having them done again... Well, again, its certainly not my intention to do so in the immediate future... As I only really ever wanted back what I was once given by nature... (With perhaps just a "little" extra, for good measure...
But... as for me saying that I would NEVER have them done again... well, who knows ? I may do, I may not, but whatever my decision, rest assured on one simple thing... Should I do it again, it will be for me... because I want to... Not because of any imaginary pressure from the business...
Put simply, I love what I do, and I consider myself, to have been very fortunate indeed, with the events that have happened to me, in my life so far, and as such, I count myself lucky to have had many experiences, for my young age... But as far as me going down a path of plastic this, and plastic that, just to ensure that I remain "known..." Then... No Chance...
If it came down to it, I would rather drop it all now, than end up in a position where my body's size, shape and appearance were dictated to me by others...
Anyways... I'm off to shoot the Xmas cover of "Escort" magazine, so I have a total of an eight hour round trip, from Devon to the other side of London ahead of me, so if there are any posts in reply to this, then I wont be able to post replies immediately...
So, thanks to you all for your opinions, both good, bad and indifferent, and I do genuinely appreciate your opinions, as I know that the BGAFD regulars, will be sure to give me an honest opinion...
Finally, I also think that its pretty good, that I can make a post, then receive approx 23 sensible, constructive, and genuine replies... But with just the one exception...
Liam... with his comment re "class"... Sorry but that's pretty pathetic Liam... Especially when you have never even engaged in an exchange of emails with me, and as far as I'm aware, you certainly haven't met me either... So until you do, I would think that any "class" comments, are somewhat presumptuous ?
Whilst I can already fully understand and gather, from your previous posts, either in reply to, or about me, that you most certainly don't like me... Well, I understand that... That is indeed your prerogative... However, What I CANNOT understand thought, is that given your obvious dislike of myself... Why on earth you even bothered to go and take a look anyway ?
Ps... I wouldn't be surprised if you are reading this bit now Liam... Again, if I'm right... Then Why ???
Lay xx