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Since someone asked, here's somethng I wrote a while back for a fanzine.

I don't expect a big "congratulations" from anyone, nor do I think it's worth bothering over if you're offended by any of it, which you shouldn't be as it's all a bit of fluff.

This is not intended as a jibe at anyone in the industry, it?s a personal thing written light heartedly. Please, anyone in the biz of making these great films, do not take it too seriously.

In fact why I watch porn at all is a mystery after reading this again....

************

Annoying things that annoy me. I mean, about porn
films, specifically.

1) Extended close ups of guy?s faces whilst either
fucking or being sucked ? who cares what they?re
doing, show us the action?!

2) Extended close ups of/or camera panning off action
to something totally irrelevant; a statue or a pile of
clothes or the outside of the goddam house the sex is
taking place in. Or Ron Jeremy dressed as an Arab
apparently ?watching?, when it was really filmed
months later. That sort of thing. Cutaways are not necessary, just use dissolves.

3) Condoms. Where?s the danger? Take a risk,
that?s why you?re being PAID to have sex, pal....

4) Music! Why? Always lousy, never necessary.
Usually lame rip-offs of existing songs (Cameo?s "Word
Up", Billie Idol?s "White Wedding" etc) or generic
hard rock. Or worse, Euro-pop! Music should fade out
once the action starts.

5) Dubbing the sex scenes. What a waste of money,
getting voice actors to sit in a sound booth kissing
their hands and making slurpy sounds or gasping and
moaning when the sound recording ALREADY EXISTS! If
it?s in a foreign language then dub the speaking, not
the sex!

6) Fucking PLOT! Who gives a flying shit about plot?
"You killed my husband, Brad, and you?re gonna pay.
But first, let?s have sex to a Billy Idol song." The
whole idea of putting plot in these films is coming
from those few who still think a crossover of porn
into mainstream cinema is still going to happen, which
it isn?t as THERE IS ONLY ONE REASON WHY PEOPLE WATCH
THESE FILMS (to get off) and that?s not something you can do at the
local Odeon without getting kicked out. Also if
all you?re after is wank material, would you really WANT to sit
or fast forward through 20 minutes of Jenna Jameson
being told how to put out fires or Asia Carrera
explaining some dodgy sub-spy plot?

7) Ugly men. I?d rather see ugly women than ugly men.

8) Annoying talking: Guys saying "You like that up
your ass, little church girl?", "Little church girl,
likes it up the ass, don?t you?" "Fuck the little
church girl up the ass," and many other variations,
twenty times in one scene (ie. Zane). This sort of male porn actor should
have their vocal chords removed. It?s like having sex whilst listening to talk radio.

9) Guys who almost innocently ignore the clit when
licking a girl. "Hey, what does this button do?"

10) Looping. Some camera man shoots ten seconds of a
DP then films a cutaway of the actress? face. The
editor then repeats those two shots five times in a
row and pretends it?s a whole scene, not the same bit
repeated endlessly. Worse if the male actor?s stupid
dialogue keeps repeating with the loop... "They teach
you that at school?"..... "They teach you that at
school?".... "They teach you that at school?".....

11) Men who can?t get erections. Get off the fucking
film set and make way for someone who can.

12) Faked male cumshots. Can?t manage it? - Get a
stunt guy in then! Or another job.

13) Faked FEMALE cumshots. Sure, girls always dribble
a jar full of white natural yoghurt when they cum. You
didn?t just syringe it up there at all.

14) Faked female orgasms (the verbal "Yes, Yes, Oh
God" etc). Oh please.

15) J.P.Armaund. The Euro-star man is a worthless sack
of shit, guilty of many of the above sins. He CANNOT
get erections, he?s an ugly squashed fish of a man and
his "cumshots" are always accompanied by the
remarkable disappearance of his left hand; to the
syringe pre-loaded with 5 fluid ounces of wall paper
paste lying nearby. Ugly. Not hard. Can?t cum. Why
is he even employed for these films?

16) Euro babble between Magma compilation tapes.
"Enrique must be very careful. It?s not easy trying
to fit such a long hard stab into the lady?s backdoor,
but I?m sure he?s gonna manage. Come on then, let us
cream this fucking kelsey. Put your lipstick on his
dipstick. This fucking piece of trade likes it where
the sun doesn?t shine. Watch here, you guys and you?ll see."
That sort of thing. Do these voice over artists
include this on their CVs?

17) Bad lighting. Why bother ? if the cameraman can?t
see it, how do you expect us to?

18) White flecky things on dicks. You haven?t washed
it for a week and you want her to put it in her mouth?
YOU suck it!

19) Guys who slap their cocks against women?s mouths, pussy?s
or arses like baseball bats. Why are you doing this? Is it on fire?

20) A majority of poorly created silicone enhancements. If you?re moving a barrel
full of water, you expect to see some movement on the
surface, right? Watching Leanna Heart?s painfully
overstuffed breasts sit motionless on her chest like
two volleyballs waiting to roll off when she gets up
is extremely boring. And those stretch marks. Urgh.
And those SCARS! Eeewww!!!
(Saying that, Layla Jade?s are gorgeous!)

21) Vivid girls. Or is it Vivid girl. Is it me or do
they all look identical with all that make up?

22) Nipple or clit piercing. Doesn?t it seem a tad
pointless making a big hole through the most
sensitive part of your body with a red hot needle,
then keeping a bit of metal in the wound so it never heals? Doesn?t
that, like, hurt? And make it not sensitive anymore?
Hello?

23) Tattoos. A girl has her breasts enlarged and a
panther tattooed on one. She gets a little older and
changes her mind and/or they sag, the implant is
removed, the panther stretches and becomes a giraffe.
Mmmm. Attractive.


As I said, please don?t take any of it personally. It?s just bollocks that pop into my mind as I get put off by something irrelevant whilst trying to get off. In the end, you?re the porn star?s. I?m not. I lose!

HOORAYYYY! Is any producer/writer/director/actor likely to take any noitce of these points? Bill. I could have written all twenty three points myself! It's surprising how widespread these views/gripes really are.
Brilliant!!

Read this a while back and I've only just got up off the floor where I was in apoplectic laughter until now to write this.

OUTSTANDING my dear chap! ABSOLUTELY OUTSTANDING!!! The most amazing aspect is that it's ALL TRUE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill, I agree but do the people behind the scenes listen? no..great post.

Well done compilation, Bill. Flett, I fear the producer/writer/director/actor types see this list as a "how to make porn" guide rather than a "things to avoid" list. The sad thing is that many amateur and homemade video producers try to emulate what they see the pros do, and blindly imitate many of the lame practices and techniques on this list.

Hooray, couldn't agree more.

I'd also add male stars who feel the need to spit on a vagina in graphic close up. What a turn off.

One producer who does know how to make a proper film is Rod Powers from America - his Dirty Debuttantes series etc are outstanding with none of the bullshit listed above.

Fella,

I won't beat around the bush...

1. Agrred, though it's nice to see the occasional shot. The presumption, of course, is that heterosexual guys are watching.
2. Totally spot on. Panning to a random wall shot is poor film making. Disolves are better, but hardly pushing back those boundaries, let's face it!
3. Not so. People are being paid cos it's a job. Not cos of the risk. Condoms are a necessity.
4. I think I agree with you.
5. Agreed.
6. Porn IS crossing over into the mainstream, albeit only mainstream conciousness at the moment. Plot is necessary in some porn, as not all of it is designed to cater for you.
7. Yet if the first point on your list is adhered to, this wouldn't matter, would it?
8. On the other hand, talk from a woman is good, yes? Well, I prefer a bit of interaction between performers.
9. Why don't you become a porn star, eh? Show them all how it's done you sex guru, you.
10. Yep, I'm with you on this one. Very poor stuff when this happens. Thankfully it's becoming more rare.
11. Don't the 'dead-wood moments' hit the cutting room floor anyway?
12. Again, this is rare so I wouldn't worry yourself over it.
13. Or, "look, this piss is cum - HONESTLY!!"
14. This is, of course, based on the assumption that you know what it's like when a woman orgasms. I'd suggest that may be in question.
15. Aaaah, the ol' green eyed monster. Just can't get rid of him can we?
16. Why are you buying Magma tapes when there are so many better quality productions out there to get?
17. Bad videos players. If you have one, you have yourself to blame. I get where you're coming from though.
18. If only I could.
19. Because it adds to the degredation of the woman, which (as long as she's into it) adds to the quality of the scene. If you like that kind of thing. Also feels good if you've ever done it.
20. Great last minute save there (the old "present company accepted" bullshit). I bet your breasts are better, right?
21. It's you.
22. Hello. I guess you don't know. A piercing can actually increase sensitivity and some people (shock horror) actually LIKE the way it looks. Hah! Nowadays, eh?
23. I've not seen this myself. Older people don't tend to star in pornos.


In summary, watch some more, better quality porn, and get back to us. Oh yeah, and get yourself a liberal girlfriend.

Lots of love,


Matt.

thought u a bit harsh about 15).
He can't act himself out of a paperbag but he can get an erection on command. He may be ugly (someone must fancy him) but he delivers the wood, now lets get chopping.

Yeah, that's fucking hilarious Bill!

You are right that dear old JP Armand is very ugly and I really pity the poor girls who sometimes even have to rim him (!) but he does seem to be like a Euro version of Dave Hardman - over the years he has got wood for anyone and indeed anything!

Also, I actually love the commentary or voice over on old Magma videos. It is often the only entertaining thing about them!

Too kind. I only spoke for myself, but thankfully, you mostly agree. Cheers.