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A guy walks into a pub(oh, you've heard it) with an Ostrich and a cat. He asks the bartender for a drink and asks the Ostrich what it wants and it replies: "i'll have a rum and coke" and then the cat who replies: "i'll have a rum and coke too but i'm not paying". The bartender says "that'll be ?5.50". The guy puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out exactly ?5.50 and hands it to the bartender. Later he asks for another drink and asks the Ostrich what it wants and it replies: " i'll have a g&t this time" and then the cat says: " i'll have a g&t too but i'm not paying for that one either". The bartender says "that'll be ?5.80 mate" and again he puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out exactly ?5.80. The curious bartender asks him how everytime he puts his hand in his pocket he pulls out the exact money. The man replies: "i was given 3 wishes and one of them was to never need money, to always have what i needed and so everytime i put my hand in my pocket i bring out exactly the right money required". " What happened to the other 2 wishes" the bartender enquires. The man replies: " Well i also asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.

Classic

Drinks on the house for the next hour

cheers
B....OZ

Made me chuckle.

Mart

But don't tell the Chairman!

Very good.

Take note Lizard.

Weird! I posted that comment before reading the other threads and now have just seen that Ace made a very similar remark last night. Coincidence or what!

How did that happen? I must be psychic. I knew I was psychotic but not psychic.

A round of applause for that man. "It's a cracker!" (said in his worst Irish accent)

Bloke walks into a bar with a midget who looks around and sees a piano. Midget tugs blokes shirt pointing at the piano. Bloke buys a drink and offers the barman a drink and asks if the midget can have a bash on the piano. Barman agrees, so midget goes over and after complaining its out of tune, gives superb reneditions of Mozart, followed by Dixie Jazz, Honky Tonk and note-for-note performances of other classical music. Barman is amazed and asks bloke who the midget is as its simply the best hes ever heard, and surely a gimmick like this could make ?'s ($'s if any poncey yanks are reading). Midget is now taking requests from the few punters in pub and is wowing them. Barman is giving free drinks to the bloke, hoping to secure midgets services for future promotional nights. Bloke soon is tipsy and tells the story of releasing a genie from bottle and granted 1 wish only. Barman asks 'for a go' on the genie lamp and bloke explains to barman to speak clearly and precisely as genie is a bit deaf. 'I WANT A MILLION QUID!!' yells the barman, and BANG, a small puff of smoke produces a stinking fish smell. 'What the fuck is THIS?' demands the barman as he sees squid and octupus's EVERYWHERE in his pub. 'I asked for a million quid, not a million squid' and the bloke replies, 'I told you he was a bit deaf, do you really think I wanted a 14 inch pianist?'

I thank you.

Ooops, my joke really, but credit it to S56 if it was crap

Its better than most. But please dont tell them to me while I'm just about to hang myself.

Deano !