The Twelve Days of Christmas
Posted: Fri Dec 26, 2003 11:24 am
December 26, 2003
My dearest darling John,
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================================
December 27, 2003
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 28, 2003
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity... three French hens! They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 29, 2003
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
==========================================================
December 30, 2003
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================================
December 31, 2003
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
========================================================
January 1, 2004
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those fucking birds!!
Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================
January 2, 2004
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartarse.
Agnes
=========================================================
January 3, 2004
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
==========================================================
January 4, 2004
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been shaging those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The local council's Environmental Health Officer has written me to ask why my house shouldn't be condemned and pulled down.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
=========================================================
January 5, 2004
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those girls will never walk again! Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you bastard!!!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=========================================================
January 6, 2004
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at the Happy Dale Home for the Mentally Unstable, the staff have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a restraining order.
Cordially,
Messrs Sue, Grabbit & Runne
My dearest darling John,
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================================
December 27, 2003
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 28, 2003
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity... three French hens! They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 29, 2003
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
==========================================================
December 30, 2003
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================================
December 31, 2003
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
========================================================
January 1, 2004
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those fucking birds!!
Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================
January 2, 2004
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartarse.
Agnes
=========================================================
January 3, 2004
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
==========================================================
January 4, 2004
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been shaging those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The local council's Environmental Health Officer has written me to ask why my house shouldn't be condemned and pulled down.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
=========================================================
January 5, 2004
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those girls will never walk again! Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you bastard!!!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=========================================================
January 6, 2004
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at the Happy Dale Home for the Mentally Unstable, the staff have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a restraining order.
Cordially,
Messrs Sue, Grabbit & Runne