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Maggs old bean! you know that saying from Fred Elliot about polishing turds!, I,m not sure it,s strictly true.... our cat has shat in the courtyard, and it,s like a pile of polished marbles (dobbers) I dare say if one was so inclined, one could pick up the offending item, bake it in the oven (gas mark3) then upon it cooling, varnish it with some ronseal! therefore having a turd to polish!
I,m sorry to be pedantic old chap, but I do like to get the facts right, I know you wont mind me pointing this out to you, maybe you could turn it into a cottage industry! Magoo & Magoo turd polishers ltd., you may even get a royal seal of approval, and Harrod,s might consider stocking them, if you do, dont forget your old pal Liz.........

ps. Some advice. Dont mention this to Mr Jacobs, he already shotblasts his underpants, and may make a move on the idea, before you can patent it.

I may well take you up on your offer of 'Malling' I believe thats the correct term for causing havoc in shopping centre toilets, and the chance to wear my farrah,s with thier 'brave size' gusset, and a pringle sweater, is a hard one to resist, they lend an air of respectability to the act of pan filling.
So!.........bring it on, we shall 'stool' the Metro, first though we need to go to
Marc tony,s to stock up on corned beef pie, egg sarnies, and irn bru, to achieve maximum power, I may well treat us to some 'senocot' to help with the action, I took your advice re the cat, although I have to say 'prunes' are not his favourite tipple, he favours 'han of the bone' hand fed to him, still a bit of rough living will do him no harm, as he has become quite a soft shite recently, I,m off to get some large purple Y fronts now for our jaunt, in case I get arrested by some 20p an hour Metro security gaurd who cant spell his own name, but can twat you with his breath from 40 yards........
re the qoute! it was not my intention to make you feel a complete cunt! (holden already does that) I was mearly pointing out the facts, so yhat any new boy,s on here did not think you were a soft Geordie shirt lifter, you know how some folk are!

Would being anallly retentive disqualify me from joining your little shindig?


I have me own supply of laxatives.......and I can always bring a bucket, and a Ben Sherman shirt with button-down collar, and a pair of tasselled brown loafers.