egafd.com

We need someone on this forum to answer our needs, to offer advice and sensible solutions to the problems that life throws up. Now as much as women have tended to monopolise such positions in newspapers and magazines, they don't necessarily have the insight into the psyche of the male inadequate required. It needs someone with that ability, and someone who diligently reads every post. There can only be one man for the job.

Dear Woodgnome,

I have been troubled by an unusual and worrying phenomenon of late---I have begun to find myself agreeing with Officer Dibble's views. Not on politics, no certainly not; but I find myself nodding in agreement at the points he makes about the adult film industry and models and tattoos and Jordan. What worries me is that I might go that step further, and find myself with an expensive habit of hiring moist young women to smoke my beef---and making human sacrifices of unemployed Scousers in my shrine to the Blessed Thatch.

Can you help me please?

A Non-Ginge Scotchman

I can offer a simple remedy, if I may be so bold.

Give me all your money- then, of course, you will lack the wherewithal to hire the necessary, er, staff, for the beef-smoking thingy.
Also, stop reading his posts until you have spent a month reading the Daily Mail, after which he will seem unutterably left-wing.

That was cruel. I've just been to my hairdresser to have the hair dyed bright blue, and carefully placed across the gleaming dome.

Oh, and as a card-carrying member of the Tufty Club, don't you have to be ginger? Or are you emulating the grey immigrant. "I don't know, they come over here and eat our nuts."

Desperate illnesses require desperate cures.

Now, no spending all that money on fluffy tails.

.........my deposit-account currently stands at a very healthy 12 849 Acorns, 3 746 Hazelnuts and 3 410 Nuts: Sundry and Divers.
So I have little need of your fiscal input (unless in the form of vouchers redeemable at health-food boutiques, of course)- I was merely trying to assist your affliction.

By prescribing The Daily Mail? Are you trying to drive me completely doolally?

Yes.
I appear to have succeeded, too.