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I HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE BELIEF THAT SHE IS THE BASTARD CHILD OF GOLLUM & PRINCESS FIONA FROM SHREK.
HERE IS MY CONCLUSIVE, UNEQUIVOCAL PROOF.

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOTALLY FUCKED WHEN YOUR CLOSEST TWINS ARE UGLY CGI'S.

Brought to you courtesy of MacGroyns Character Assassinations.

she's got big tits though

At the risk of spoiling a good character assassination, who the hell is Hannah Waterman?

She used to play Laura in EastEnders til she fell down some stairs and died.
She is also the daughter of one....Dennis Waterman...cue endless succession of Sweeny & Minder related trivia from S56 and then argued by Ace.


I made this call once before but Magoo claimed she was lovely because he knew her uncle or some bollocks.

I relented in my typical caustic way, in other words, I dug my heels in & said "Bollocks".

Crackers, as you are in the dark, be a sport and just see if you can spot the DNA chain profiled in the 3rd picture.

If you mean that thing around her neck, yes.

I do think you're being a bit unfair. Even in her ogre semblence, Princess Fiona isn't that bad.

Thanks for filling me in on the background, Holden. Dennis's daughter, eh? God, that must make her a ginge.

Old Fiona looks like a girl I used to go out with from Charlton. Five of the happiest years of my life, til I met the bitch.
Five long painful years.
If this was a diary entry, my pen would have stabbed thru several pages to recreate the illicit emotion she brings up within me.
Bitch.

Ouch! Sorry to have stirred up those painful memories.

No it's ok. I feel like I need to talk now.
She was related to one of the girls from some sappy pop duo, Shampoo.
I had to go to Shampoo bitches parents for a party.
I wore a plastic smile so long & hard that my cheekbones began to hurt.
I stood by the Jukebox all evening fighting the urge to stick my fist in and rip out the long-playing-self-repeating, "Uh oh, We're In Trouble" disc and ram it down Mr & Mrs Shampoos throats after I had frisbeed it across everyones retinas.

I had to endure trivial banter about who was better, East 17 or Take That.
I shouldn't have mentioned the incident in Checkers in Walthamstow where the East 17 boys came in and started bigging it up and the rest of us gave them a good kicking.
I still have my right Nike that connected with Brian Harveys bollocks.
I will up it on Ebay and say it has touched the knackers of the pigmy, drug taking, pug faced chav.

Anyway, they looked at me in horror and then did that stale titter that meant "anyway" and fucked off to the ropey formica bar.
I nursed a pint of Coke and then had to nurse my bitch ex as she got totally wasted and ended up praying to the porcelin God just as I was about to get off with Shampoos very horny older sister.

Ok. I feel better, although be prepared for some more wayward tales of woe and tragedy from down Charlton way.

Thankfully all I can recall of Shampoo is the name. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. If there is a hell, and you are bound for there, I think eternity is going to involve reliving that night over and over again.

An actual shudder ran through me just reading your account. What it must have been like to experience . . . .

You've got to keep in mind all the grinning faces of overly proud relatives and retards.
You know like in a old horror film, in a party type scene, the camera is from the hero's viewpoint and it swings left and right into the gurning faces of the village idiots. Real close ups in a pub or something and the hero is intoxicated by some evil bastard who spiked his drink and the view is all fish eyed....well, it was like that.
Come to think of it, some of it was like the final scene in Michael Jackson's Thriller. The bit where they all slowly reach out to the scaredy cat bitch.

I was that bitch.

I suppose you've had it easy Crackers.
You seem too sensible to be caught up in the trappings of bitch ex's.