The International Rules of Manhood
Posted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 3:03 pm
>>> > The International Rules of Manhood:
>>> >
>>> >1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>>> >
>>> >2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
>>> > (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
>>> > (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
>>> > (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
>>> > (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
>>> > (e) When she is using her teeth.
>>> >
>>> >3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
>>> >killed and eaten by his buddies.
>>> >
>>> >4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
>>> >out of jail within 12 hours.
>>> >
>>> >5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
>>> >limits forever unless you actually marry her.
>>> >
>>> >6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
>>> >forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>>> >
>>> >7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
>>> >man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
>>> >optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
>>> >birthday boy's choice.
>>> >
>>> >8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
>>> >weakest.
>>> >
>>> >9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
>>> >ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
>>> >playing.
>>> >
>>> >10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
>>> >her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
>>> >of
>>> >flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
>>> >
>>> >11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
>>> >sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model
>>> >and
>>> >only when it's free.
>>> >
>>> >12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
>>> >to kick another guy in the nuts.
>>> >
>>> >13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>>> >
>>> >14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>>> >
>>> >15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
>>> >anything.
>>> >
>>> >16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
>>> >spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
>>> >drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>>> >
>>> >17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
>>> >remain sober enough to fight.
>>> >
>>> >18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
>>> >pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
>>> >
>>> >19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
>>> >about his choice of beer.
>>> >
>>> >20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
>>> >yours,
>>> >except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
>>> >
>>> >21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
>>> >weights:
>>> > a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
>>> > b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
>>> > c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
>>> >
>>> >22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
>>> >i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
>>> >situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
>>> >need.
>>> >
>>> >23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
>>> >than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
>>> >Hang up if necessary.
>>> >
>>> >24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
>>> >have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
>>> >and
>>> >guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
>>> >discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
>>> >
>>> >25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
>>> >for
>>> >her to drive yours.
>>> >
>>> >26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
>>> >orange or sky blue.
>>> >
>>> >27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
>>> >Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
>>> >Xbox. End of story.
>>> >
>>> >28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
>>> >Gymnastics. Ever!
>>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> >---------------------------
>>> >We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
>>> >know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
>>> >the definition of each is listed below:
>>> >"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
>>> >assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are
>>> >you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
>>> >
>>> >"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
>>> >of
>>> >perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
>>> >butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >We hope this clears up any confusion,
>>> >
>>> >The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
>>> >
>>> >1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>>> >
>>> >2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
>>> > (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
>>> > (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
>>> > (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
>>> > (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
>>> > (e) When she is using her teeth.
>>> >
>>> >3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
>>> >killed and eaten by his buddies.
>>> >
>>> >4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
>>> >out of jail within 12 hours.
>>> >
>>> >5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
>>> >limits forever unless you actually marry her.
>>> >
>>> >6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
>>> >forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>>> >
>>> >7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
>>> >man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
>>> >optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
>>> >birthday boy's choice.
>>> >
>>> >8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
>>> >weakest.
>>> >
>>> >9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
>>> >ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
>>> >playing.
>>> >
>>> >10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
>>> >her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
>>> >of
>>> >flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
>>> >
>>> >11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
>>> >sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model
>>> >and
>>> >only when it's free.
>>> >
>>> >12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
>>> >to kick another guy in the nuts.
>>> >
>>> >13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>>> >
>>> >14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>>> >
>>> >15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
>>> >anything.
>>> >
>>> >16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
>>> >spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
>>> >drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>>> >
>>> >17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
>>> >remain sober enough to fight.
>>> >
>>> >18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
>>> >pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
>>> >
>>> >19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
>>> >about his choice of beer.
>>> >
>>> >20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
>>> >yours,
>>> >except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
>>> >
>>> >21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
>>> >weights:
>>> > a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
>>> > b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
>>> > c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
>>> >
>>> >22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
>>> >i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
>>> >situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
>>> >need.
>>> >
>>> >23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
>>> >than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
>>> >Hang up if necessary.
>>> >
>>> >24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
>>> >have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
>>> >and
>>> >guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
>>> >discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
>>> >
>>> >25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
>>> >for
>>> >her to drive yours.
>>> >
>>> >26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
>>> >orange or sky blue.
>>> >
>>> >27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
>>> >Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
>>> >Xbox. End of story.
>>> >
>>> >28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
>>> >Gymnastics. Ever!
>>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> >---------------------------
>>> >We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
>>> >know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
>>> >the definition of each is listed below:
>>> >"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
>>> >assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are
>>> >you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
>>> >
>>> >"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
>>> >of
>>> >perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
>>> >butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >We hope this clears up any confusion,
>>> >
>>> >The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.