Cheaper than a hooker!
Posted: Sun Jul 14, 2002 2:51 am
Try this!!
P.S Don't mail me if your dick falls off
Ok here we go!!!
Melon baller
Buy yourself a rock melon or honeydew melon. Cut a round hole in one end a bit smaller than your dick. Scoop out a little of the inside but not too much. Heat the melon in a microwave (be careful!) and squirt in some baby oil. If you've done it right you'll get a heap of suction when you fuck it. This method comes as close to the feeling of a real pussy or anus as you're ever likely to get! You'll start to get a hard-on whenever you walk past a fruit shop!
A little bonus to add to the honeydew/cantaloupe procedure: On the opposite side of the melon from where your penis enters it, make a small hole with a skewer or small knife, no bigger than a pencil eraser, but reaching all the way in to the "vagina." Wrap your hand around the melon after you insert your erection and put your finger over the hole on the outstroke. Remove your finger on the in-stroke, replace it over the hole on the outstroke. Feels like a mouth going down on your cock, then sucking on it as it draws back. A very nice substitute for a blow job!
Lube advice
Mineral oil works really well and doesn't dry out. If you look at the ingredients of baby oil, you'll discover that it is made of mineral oil and fragrance. You can get mineral oil only in the digestive section of your supermarket or drug store. If you don't want an oily product then try to find Corn Husker's Lotion which is really slippery but it dries out very quickly. To fix that, keep a small spray bottle of water to freshen it up. It comes back to being very slippery as before.
Cucumber sleeve
Take a large cucumber and cut both ends off. Using a butter knife or spoon, remove all of the seeds and a little of the cucumber meat so you have a nice 'sleeve'. Adjust to fit the circumference of your penis. Heat the cucumber in the microwave for about 1 to 1.5 minutes. Touch the inside to make sure it's not too hot, it's easy to burn yourself.
Just stick your dick in and start pumping. Spin it around, pump up and down. The cucumber will stay warm for a loong time. It is a little messy though. This is the closest thing to real pussy I have ever felt. In fact, since it's really tight and wet, it feels better than some pussies I've had!
Tingly Spittle
If you use something like scope mouthwash or Altoids in your mouth right before you masturbate and spit on your hands, it kinda stings but you really explode!
Feel glad
Take a plastic bag, (a little one but big enough to fit all of your cock into.) Get on your knees in front of a bed or couch, and put your cock in the bag, and stick it in between, the crack, of the bed or couch. Push down on top of the bed or couch and fuck the couch, a little lotion or something along those lines works well.
Spackle me tender
Take a Playtex vinyl glove, fill it with spackle [which has a gooey consistency]. Insert a small piece of rubber eraser inside the middle finger. Then invert the middle finger and tie the opening of the glove, together with the tip of the middle finger. Use some KY Jelly or Vaseline for lube and you're set. Heat up slightly in microwave. Be careful not to burn yourself; spackle retains heat for a long time. The glove creates suction. You can also wrap center section of glove with ace bandage to increase sensation.
Water safety
Go get a pair of "water-wings" that little kids wear around their arms in the pool to help them float and swim. Blow one of them up as much as you can. (The more air, the tighter the feel.) Take some Vaseline and coat the inside and your cock. Place the "device" between the couch cushions and insert your cock and pump away.
"The Stranger"
Sit on your hand for like 30 minutes until your hand goes numb, then jerk off like a madman. This gives you the feeling that a stranger is doing it for you. You can also put your hand in cold water until it goes numb.
Swivel stick
Take both hands (lube optional) and place one hand on each side of your dick. Move one hand towards your feet while moving the other hand up towards your head, turning your dick about 1/4 a turn. After about 1/4 turn, switch directions, keep switching directions and turning your dick back and forth. The faster you go, the better it feels. When you are about to cum, and pass the "point of no return", just stroke it as usual until you are done.
Left-right, left-right
Lube up your dick well and both hands. Put your right hand on top your dick and stroke downward. Before you get all the way down, put your left hand on the top of your dick and stroke downward. Repeat. It will pleasure you like nothing else. It will feel like an endless pussy.
O,I almost forgot.
Please tape yourself on video and put it in your website so we can all enjoy you doing all this
Who knows,you might earn a extra buck.
Peace!!!
Bob Spunkhouse
P.S Don't mail me if your dick falls off
Ok here we go!!!
Melon baller
Buy yourself a rock melon or honeydew melon. Cut a round hole in one end a bit smaller than your dick. Scoop out a little of the inside but not too much. Heat the melon in a microwave (be careful!) and squirt in some baby oil. If you've done it right you'll get a heap of suction when you fuck it. This method comes as close to the feeling of a real pussy or anus as you're ever likely to get! You'll start to get a hard-on whenever you walk past a fruit shop!
A little bonus to add to the honeydew/cantaloupe procedure: On the opposite side of the melon from where your penis enters it, make a small hole with a skewer or small knife, no bigger than a pencil eraser, but reaching all the way in to the "vagina." Wrap your hand around the melon after you insert your erection and put your finger over the hole on the outstroke. Remove your finger on the in-stroke, replace it over the hole on the outstroke. Feels like a mouth going down on your cock, then sucking on it as it draws back. A very nice substitute for a blow job!
Lube advice
Mineral oil works really well and doesn't dry out. If you look at the ingredients of baby oil, you'll discover that it is made of mineral oil and fragrance. You can get mineral oil only in the digestive section of your supermarket or drug store. If you don't want an oily product then try to find Corn Husker's Lotion which is really slippery but it dries out very quickly. To fix that, keep a small spray bottle of water to freshen it up. It comes back to being very slippery as before.
Cucumber sleeve
Take a large cucumber and cut both ends off. Using a butter knife or spoon, remove all of the seeds and a little of the cucumber meat so you have a nice 'sleeve'. Adjust to fit the circumference of your penis. Heat the cucumber in the microwave for about 1 to 1.5 minutes. Touch the inside to make sure it's not too hot, it's easy to burn yourself.
Just stick your dick in and start pumping. Spin it around, pump up and down. The cucumber will stay warm for a loong time. It is a little messy though. This is the closest thing to real pussy I have ever felt. In fact, since it's really tight and wet, it feels better than some pussies I've had!
Tingly Spittle
If you use something like scope mouthwash or Altoids in your mouth right before you masturbate and spit on your hands, it kinda stings but you really explode!
Feel glad
Take a plastic bag, (a little one but big enough to fit all of your cock into.) Get on your knees in front of a bed or couch, and put your cock in the bag, and stick it in between, the crack, of the bed or couch. Push down on top of the bed or couch and fuck the couch, a little lotion or something along those lines works well.
Spackle me tender
Take a Playtex vinyl glove, fill it with spackle [which has a gooey consistency]. Insert a small piece of rubber eraser inside the middle finger. Then invert the middle finger and tie the opening of the glove, together with the tip of the middle finger. Use some KY Jelly or Vaseline for lube and you're set. Heat up slightly in microwave. Be careful not to burn yourself; spackle retains heat for a long time. The glove creates suction. You can also wrap center section of glove with ace bandage to increase sensation.
Water safety
Go get a pair of "water-wings" that little kids wear around their arms in the pool to help them float and swim. Blow one of them up as much as you can. (The more air, the tighter the feel.) Take some Vaseline and coat the inside and your cock. Place the "device" between the couch cushions and insert your cock and pump away.
"The Stranger"
Sit on your hand for like 30 minutes until your hand goes numb, then jerk off like a madman. This gives you the feeling that a stranger is doing it for you. You can also put your hand in cold water until it goes numb.
Swivel stick
Take both hands (lube optional) and place one hand on each side of your dick. Move one hand towards your feet while moving the other hand up towards your head, turning your dick about 1/4 a turn. After about 1/4 turn, switch directions, keep switching directions and turning your dick back and forth. The faster you go, the better it feels. When you are about to cum, and pass the "point of no return", just stroke it as usual until you are done.
Left-right, left-right
Lube up your dick well and both hands. Put your right hand on top your dick and stroke downward. Before you get all the way down, put your left hand on the top of your dick and stroke downward. Repeat. It will pleasure you like nothing else. It will feel like an endless pussy.
O,I almost forgot.
Please tape yourself on video and put it in your website so we can all enjoy you doing all this
Who knows,you might earn a extra buck.
Peace!!!
Bob Spunkhouse