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Carac: Above average hight (6'+). Average build. Grey hair. Balding. Steely grey/blue eyes. A quiet man, but people listen when he talks. Will turn up in brown cords and a wax fisherman's jacket.

Fudgey: 6'+ (think he said he was 6'1") Slim build. Brown hair and chirpy. Good looking fucker and will be used to attract female attention. Will turn up in trainers, lycra cycling shorts and vest. Complete with semi-erect penis.

Jacques: 5'7"-5'10" and slim. dark brown but balding on top. Looks a bit like a slimmer version of Moby. Will turn up in jeans and stonewashed denim shirt.....tucked in. No one will be able to pronounce his name properly so he'll be referred to as 'the flying Frenchman' all night.

Trumpy: 5'10" and overweight. Dark brown/black hair from head to toe, though definitely balding on top. Talkative and joyful. Will turn up in elasticated waste jeans and shirt with a pork pie in his back pocket. He might sit on it and need a toilet break every 20 mins.

Wazza: 5'6"-5'9" and average build. Thinning on top, but not bald. Hair is swept back and pretty long (mid neck). Wears glasses. Will turn up in green cords, green, square shoes and a brown jacket with red woollen tank top underneath. May be irritable due to being unable to smoke in the places frequented.

Am I close?

Sam - 5' 2", skinny, bowl hair cut, will turn up in brown cord jacket with patches on the elbows, wears glasses but will leave them at home to 'look more cool'. Will spend most of the night bumping into things !drink!

Fuck me, you been stalking me? !!

I'll get onto you next!

Prof wrote:

> Trumpy: 5'10" and overweight.

I'm a six footer. Yup spot on about the overweight bit. (All those delicious pies you see).

> Dark brown/black hair from head to toe, though definitely balding on top.

I used to have dark brown hair in my youth - but what's left is graying or gone completely gray. More bald than hair - on head that is. !wink!

> Talkative and joyful.

Blimey Prof, spot on again. !thumbsup!

> Will turn up in elasticated waste jeans and shirt

If I can buy any that fit my "comfortable" girth. !wink!

> with a pork pie in his back pocket.

Well you need something as a conversation starter.

> He might sit on it

And waste a perfectly edible pork pie - I think not.

> and need a toilet break every 20 mins.

Mmmm, I could manage one every 40 mins if pushed.

> Am I close?

Very close.

Prof : Looks younger than his 32 years. 5' 10" - 6'. A bit of a trend setter. Has a liking for those flowery designer shirts and can wear those natty white sports shorts with ease. An easy going tan - not too obvious though. Likes to wear deck pumps without socks. Will arrive with a coral coloured sweater causally wrapped around his neck - perhaps with cool shades on top of his jet black hair. And wearing designer stubble.

"Looks younger than his 32 years." - Baby-faced assasin !happy!

"5' 10" - 6'" - 5'8" shortarse.

"A bit of a trend setter. Has a liking for those flowery designer shirts and can wear those natty white sports shorts with ease." - The sirts used to be flowery....but they're sooo pre-millenium now Trumpy!

"An easy going tan - not too obvious though. Likes to wear deck pumps without socks." - You got that from when I said I liked to go surfing! Not been surfing for 3 years now though and I'll never get into my wetsuit as I was a 29" waist then, being 35" now!

"Will arrive with a coral coloured sweater causally wrapped around his neck - perhaps with cool shades on top of his jet black hair." - I'm not a poncy sailor! !laugh! Hair's brown as well.

"And wearing designer stubble." - Either stubble or a short beard (a cover for that baby face of mine).

I'll give you 7/10 !thumbsup!

Jacques:

5'7"-5'10" and slim. - 5' 10" and 15 stone (think rugby not fat bastard)

dark brown but balding on top - actually mouse brown with hints of grey, short just got out of bed style, not balding at all

Looks a bit like a slimmer version of Moby - Fucky off!!! more Guy Chadwick-esque (House of Love if you are wondering)

Will turn up in jeans and stonewashed denim shirt.....tucked in. - Jeans probably but the rest nope, smart casual and a label, fashion victim that I am.

No one will be able to pronounce his name properly so he'll be referred to as 'the flying Frenchman' all night. - true, they'll get my surname right but Christian and middle ... not a chance.

Trumpty with your picturing of Sam's appearance it sounds to me like you have been browsing too many editions of Grattans/Marshall Ward & Littlewoods Catalogues ... you know the bit at the back of the Menswear Section just after all the trendy stuff has gone.

Am I close??

Are you telling me I've just called a 15 stone rugby player a 'bald Moby freak'?

Looks like I won't be turning up then!!!