O/T: a few jokes for you
Posted: Sun Oct 13, 2002 11:55 am
A drunk guy walks into a bar and says to the waitress, "Can I smell your pussy?"
"No!" She replies, slaping him across the face.
"It must be your feet, then" the drunk says.
Submited by : ProAdults Hot Babes
David Copperfield?s just finishing his show, He asks members of the audience to come up and perform their own tricks. One bloke in the audience runs up; ?For this trick I?ll need a table and your luvverly assistant Claudia Schiffer.? Both are brought onto the stage. The man puts the table in the middle of the stage and stands Claudia bent over it. Quick as a flash he pulls her knickers down and starts pumping away from behind. ?Oi! That?s not a trick!? shouts David. And the bloke replies, ?No. But it?s fucking magic!?
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A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices acompact on the sidewalk and picks it up.
She opens it and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see it." So the first blonde hands her the compact.
She looks in the compact and says, "You dumbass, it's me!"
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Hair of the dog.
Three mates are sitting at the bar, the day after a serious drinking session. All three had been so wellied that they?d got split up and headed home separately. Bill says: ?I can?t remember how I got home. And when I did, I blew chunks,? Bob says: ?That?s nothing. I tried to drive home and trashed my car into a lamppost.? Bernie says: ?I stayed later than you guys. When I got home, I fell asleep with a fag on the armchair. When I woke up firemen were carrying me out. My girl?s dumped me, I?ve got nothing left - the house and all my belongings are burned to ashes.? Bill says: ?Look guys, I?m not sure that you understood me.? And quietly adds: ?Chunks is my dog.?
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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bar tender to give him 2 beers. The bar tender hands over 2 beers and the guy drinks 1 and pours the other 1 on his hand. He then asks for another 2 beers, so the bartender hands over the beer and again he drinks 1 and pours the other on his hand. The bar tender gets pissed off and cleans up his mess again. The guy asks the bar tender for another 2 beers, he drinks 1 and when he is about to pour the other on his hand the bar tender shouts at him "What the fuck do you think you're doing? I just cleaned up your mess".
The guy replies "I'm getting my date drunk."
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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can just use your other hand to write."
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A college couple is under a tree on campus making out.
After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."
He says, "Why's that?"
She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."
------------------------------------
Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".
Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"
John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.
------------------------------------
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill...
He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.
Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break.
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely,
neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest
and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
"No!" She replies, slaping him across the face.
"It must be your feet, then" the drunk says.
Submited by : ProAdults Hot Babes
David Copperfield?s just finishing his show, He asks members of the audience to come up and perform their own tricks. One bloke in the audience runs up; ?For this trick I?ll need a table and your luvverly assistant Claudia Schiffer.? Both are brought onto the stage. The man puts the table in the middle of the stage and stands Claudia bent over it. Quick as a flash he pulls her knickers down and starts pumping away from behind. ?Oi! That?s not a trick!? shouts David. And the bloke replies, ?No. But it?s fucking magic!?
------------------------------------
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
------------------------------------
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices acompact on the sidewalk and picks it up.
She opens it and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see it." So the first blonde hands her the compact.
She looks in the compact and says, "You dumbass, it's me!"
------------------------------------
Hair of the dog.
Three mates are sitting at the bar, the day after a serious drinking session. All three had been so wellied that they?d got split up and headed home separately. Bill says: ?I can?t remember how I got home. And when I did, I blew chunks,? Bob says: ?That?s nothing. I tried to drive home and trashed my car into a lamppost.? Bernie says: ?I stayed later than you guys. When I got home, I fell asleep with a fag on the armchair. When I woke up firemen were carrying me out. My girl?s dumped me, I?ve got nothing left - the house and all my belongings are burned to ashes.? Bill says: ?Look guys, I?m not sure that you understood me.? And quietly adds: ?Chunks is my dog.?
------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bar tender to give him 2 beers. The bar tender hands over 2 beers and the guy drinks 1 and pours the other 1 on his hand. He then asks for another 2 beers, so the bartender hands over the beer and again he drinks 1 and pours the other on his hand. The bar tender gets pissed off and cleans up his mess again. The guy asks the bar tender for another 2 beers, he drinks 1 and when he is about to pour the other on his hand the bar tender shouts at him "What the fuck do you think you're doing? I just cleaned up your mess".
The guy replies "I'm getting my date drunk."
------------------------------------
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can just use your other hand to write."
------------------------------------
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out.
After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."
He says, "Why's that?"
She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."
------------------------------------
Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".
Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"
John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.
------------------------------------
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill...
He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.
Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break.
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely,
neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest
and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."