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Can you make an effort to answer the door in the morning. Postie has a nice parcel but its Special Delivery so you have to sign. I tried to tell you this privately but you vanished. But I know you can always be found here. After two failed attempts they will send it back to me so get out of bed and face the fucking postie. He cant be all that scary!

Slut-you're comletely faithess.
Amd, before you start Matt....have just tekkin me lamb from the oven.
And it's nicely done.

Just answer the bastard door to the fuckin postman you knob.

So then why did you disappear you tart? Of with another forumite I expect! The divorce papers are in the post and Matt is my witness. Me and Matt are in bed together at this very moment......Arnt we Matt my ducky (feel the earth tremble as Matt recoils and shudders at my mature and relaxed ability to joke about puffs).

You see the point is if your 100% non bent then you can laugh at such things. If that sort of humour threatens you then your probably a big old gay Barrymore. Awight at the back!

There's a joke in there somewhere involving the words 'hot' and 'spot', but I'm too good to go there. Barrymore was asked to do pantomime this year but he's already done a lad in.

(sorry)

PS Move over Magoo, you're taking up too much room. And I'd say that Quiche is almost ready.

Hey Matt! Why does Barrymore not have any ashtrays in his house?

Because he chucks his fags in the pool.

Oh fuck Peter Tatchell is going to be after me! He might pull my hair and scratch me. Hes a right big puff that Tatchell geezer.

That should have read "chucks his fags in the pool when he is finished with them".

I am glad his career is finished cos he was a big stupid oaf. But at least he is not as repulsive as that other bloke who we cant mention. You know the guy who dumped CZJ. Mad bastard.

Hes not telling fibs about the lamb you know! I suggested it might be best to cut its throat first so that we could make a nice gravy with the blood. But oh no JJ knows best so he bunged it in the oven at gas mark 7 before I even had a chance to kill and skin it. Believe me burning wool smells like burning flesh. It was horrid. The poor thing came out looking like Don King. Tasted OK though!

BTW A TRUE STORY...When I lived in Newcastle we got drunk one night and took a cow from the Town Moor and dumped it in our mates living room.(Urban Newcastle is close to common grazing land) He phoned the police but they did not believe him about a cow sleeping in his front room. The funny thing was we passed four police cars as we led the cow down the street to his flat. The cow was returned to the Town Moor next day after it had ate all his grass(and ashtray contents) and shat on his carpet. Needless to say I pissed myself. Ah those were the days!

message to magoo:good joke very suttle why dont you try for host og hignfy[have i got news for you]

Narcolepsy ain't .........zzzzzz......funny, ye na........
I am horrified that Magoo seems to have roped poor old Matt into his homoerotic circus.
I got the joke almost straightways (after around 20 seconds' pause for thought).....a bit self-referential, though, I agree.
Yours- very good. Took me 10mins. to get it, though......I could have drowned in that time.

Even better.