Couple of jokes for some of the ?funny? geezers on here.
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
______________________________________________
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''
______________________________________________
One for Bimmercat!!
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore fan."
The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's an Al Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so I'm an Al Gore fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
______________________________________________
It?s the way I tell ?em
It?s the way I tell ?em
PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet?
Re: It?s the way I tell ?em
They're pretty good. If only I could remember the one about the penguin that goes into the brothel...
Phwooorr...look at her....CRASH
Re: It?s the way I tell ?em
Dunno the penguin one, BUT heard about the man with no arms or legs who went to a brothel stating he wanted pleasure. The madam said 'But you have no arms or legs!!' to which he replied, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
The West London of my youth is now on dvd
I've met the man on the street............and he's a cunt
I've met the man on the street............and he's a cunt