Van Helsing - review

[Terry May]

can't even be bothered to review this properly - one word sums it up - SHITE!

[jj]

This is the sort of review I like; concise and apposite, with none of that arty-farty Grauniad bollocks.

Crispin Cruet-Stand writes:
One of Terry's better efforts, blending the circumstantial with the whimsical while reminding us of our mortality and the utter transitoriness of everything mundane, poking fond fun at cinema verite with sly hommages to Truffaut and his Amazing dog Truffles, and juxtaposing the stellar performances of the cast with a piece of blank screen which complements the vacuity of earthly fame, giving us a powerful insight into the film's theme, whatever that may have been, I was momentarily distracted by a piece of fluff in my belly-button and thus missed the denouement. and indeed, the rest of the film.
A colleague* adds: 'Cor, wow, boffo, a good one, go Terry geezer, triffic'.




[*My colleague has suddenly met with a tragic accident involvng me force-feeding him with 16 pints if unshelled whelks and a gallon of lighter-fuel, so this will unfortunately be his last review here.
Cremation, 3 p.m. Thursday week, at St Chardonnay's church, Wapping, asbestos day-wear optional but recommended.]

[Holden MacGroyn]

I'd go a step further with a load of fucking slack jawed cock shite.
Load of bollocks that has ruined the whole Vampire filmic thing along with that rip off of several films (The Crow; Matrix; Blade) Underworld.

Hugh Jackman, sounds like a gay porn name, should fucking know better.

Van Helsing? VAN HELSING? VAN COCKSHITE MORE LIKE.


Gimme The Lost Boys & Fright Night anyday.

[jj]

Crispin Cruet-Stand writes (again):
A wonderful, powerfully moving effort from Holden, showing that he is once again back on top form as the finest cunter this nation has produced since Simon de Montfort's hairdresser.


FUCKING ARSEING SHIT-HOT, Holders, pass the mint tea, will you? I have a migraine coming on..........

[Holden MacGroyn]

Alas, I only have Earl Grey sir.
Mint Green is for fairies with bad stomachs.....or so Lizard tells me.

[jj]

"Mint Green is for fairies with bad stomachs".
My name is Crispin etc etc........OF COURSE I'm a fairy with a bad stomach, ducky, what else would I be? A butch bleedin' builder from Basildon?

Honestly, darling, the working-classes...........

[Tez]

Bet its still better than the Punisher thou....

Tez

[Bill Malone]

The Punisher. You mean

"groovy, couldn't give a fuck if someone who may have read the comic once doesn't reckognise this, cos it's a great shoot em up made in 1989 with Dolph Lungrend",

or the more recent "quick, let's make another version with some guy in it with no muscles before everyone forgets that comics are suddenly popular again in the movies, and who gives a shit if it's no good as long as we're raking it in?" version released in 2004.

Me thinks the latter.

[The Last Word]

First out of the traps in this summer's onslaught*, VH manages to be even worse than The Mummy Returns. Nowhere did I see Bram Stoker or Mary Shelley on the credits. Doubtless they'd be grateful.

*a more dispiriting line-up I can't imagine, though Sky Captain looks a stylish fancy. Sadly, sequals are set to dominate - Spidey2, Potter3 and Shrek2. ZZZzzz...

[steve56]

the buses are full of it it looks terrible.