FAO: Dibble

[Bruce Barnard]

I?m willing to bet hard cash that you secretly pick up a copy of the Guardian every single morning?

Just like intelligent free thinking folk like myself buy the Daily Mail to fuel our cynicism about the mindless, ?fear? obsessed mentality of the middle classes.

I get it delivered, along with ?Razzle?, ?Searchlight? and the ?Mirror?.

I grew up in a shite house, reading a shite paper which patronised the working class in ways that now seem darkly comical.

They told me the miners were shameful cunts on the make.

That Liverpool fans robbed their own dead, but not before pissing on them first.

More importantly (and more on topic) girls who choose to make a living in the sex game were essentially slags.

Working class girls get their tits out for the same reason piss poor boxers take that one punch too many.

To escape I guess.

I spent years trying to educate myself by reading broadsheet newspapers. After twenty years of reading the ?Sun? any attempt to read a decent paper was a real fucking struggle.

Despite that it started something. Made me want to read books. Find out the truth. Become more then the CSE group retard my piss poor school said I would be.

It worked.

Even weirder Dibble, I?m willing to bet hard cash that the Guardian is the only paper in the UK that would publish your grossly overwritten, but occasionally blinding insights into UK smut society.

That is all.

[Officer Dibble]

Save yer money Bruce, I?m a ?Times? man, and then only at weekends. But hey, sure I?m probably being a little unfair with my blanket condemnation to the Guardian. I have read some interesting and seemingly objective articles which forumites flag up from time to time. But the last time I actually purchased a copy was for a particular article concerning Richard Desmond?s takeover of the Express. I was anticipating interesting objective comment on the issue, refreshingly free from the disingenuous ?moral? bullshit of the Mail and the sanctimonious tone of The Telegraph ?n? Times. What I got was a shocking politically correct leftist agenda shoved down my throat, the gist of which was that ? Desmond should not be allowed to buy a newspaper and have his say, simply because he printed girly mags. And girly mags, as every right thinking middleclass person knows, are the instruments of ?wimmin?s' oppression. Consequently, they concluded that freedom of expression should not be extended to Desmond because he took a stance that they did not agree with! I couldn?t get my freakin' breath! These were the fuckers that were supposedly in the forefront of promoting civil rights. These were the fuckers who were supposedly intelligent and objective enough to say ?OK, we take a different political stance to people like Desmond, but we defend their rights to have their say. I was appalled. I would have expected a similar but different flavoured position from The Sun, News Of The World, or The Mail. Those papers are comics for the hoi polloi. For people who don?t really know what day it is, aren?t capable of formulating their own opinion and are ripe to have one foisted on them. Maybe I caught them on an unrepresentive day? But I have such precious little time for reading nowadays that I haven?t had occasion to give them a second chance. Plus, I detest all that Public sector shite. Who wants to be a boring small cog in someone else?s big machine? And who wants to pay for it? Not Me? To boring. I want to blow my wedge on expensive call girls, tasty cars, restaurants and property in Marbella. Wheyhey!

Like your good self I was a CSE English man who grew up with ?The Current Bun? and the folks who read it - even used to buy it myself. Then, in the late 80?s when I had set up in business as ?Kerbside Motors ? Cushty Cars You Can Afford? dealing automotive exotica from the front of mi mum?s council house I started taking ?The Sunday Times?, as fellow traders had pointed out that it was choc-a-bloc with ?Beemers? ?Porkers? and ?Mercs.? I bought it every Sunday and gradually found myself becoming engrossed in the news and feature articles, spending the whole of the afternoon wading through it. I guess it was about that time that it dawned on me that ?The Current Bun? and the like were all patronising, manipulative, bollocks, aimed squarley at the hard of thinking, and so I stopped buying them. I was always moderately keen on books so I already had form as ?a reader?. Indeed I?d already taken on ?proper? authors like Amis, Clarke, Melville, Poe and Solzhenitsyn as well as the more mainstream King, Baker and Robbins. So, in my case, there was never the feeling that big papers were ?difficult? it was more a question of patience and focus. I knew there was interesting stuff in there, but did I have time to actually sit down and read it? Happily, I found that I did and I have done so every Sunday since.

They never told us we were crap at our school, I felt they just assumed we were, and that everyone concerned was OK with that. They (teachers ?n? council) assumed they were (half heatedly it must be said) educating cannon fodder for heavy industry and the steel mills. I don?t recall them ever suggesting that we should aspire too more ? a business, a profession, never mind art. Everyone just accepted that council estate kids didn?t do that kind of stuff (except me.) So, if you were going to pull your bootlaces up in that environment, at that time, you had to do if off your own initiative and you shouldn?t have expected encouragement from either parents or teachers.

I?m fully aware of my tendency to ?overwrite?. I feel so strongly and have so much to say about certain issues that I just want to cram it all in and to hell with manners, prose and protocol (oops, there I go again!) Hey, I know it?s not quite Kinsley Amis but some folks seem to like it and, on occasion, are kind enough to say so. I put my ?insights? down to keen observation and a talent for objectivity. Maybe I should give the Guardian a bell?


Officer Dibble.


P.S. Not had time to read all your book yet, but promise I will in due course and then I?ll be able to give you some feedback.

[steve56]

margaret thatcher was a secret punk fan.ha

[Fastbike]

Yeah , the British upper middle class and sex , it would be funny except it represents such an emotional and physical wasteland. Private Eye and Desmond , I mean if you think the mans politics stink , argue your case , but those ongoing public schoolboy sniggers about Asian Babes mag all the time , prolly hoping for a complimentary copy ( under plain white wrapper I suppose ) to be couriered round as a freebie thankyou for the mention.

[Illinoisblue]

Private Eye's heart is undoubtedly in the right place, but I've always found their anti-Desmond stance a tad hypocritical - the Eye are happy to run full page ads for the Erotic Review and also for sex chat lines in the classifieds.

[Officer Dibble]

Wheyhey! Mr Magoo, mi old forum mucka!

I regret to report that 'smoked beef' is off the menu this week due to a cash flow problem that has been compounded by the imminent publication of my latest minge-tastic magazine and the attendant cost. Never mind, we'll make up for it in a week or two. I've got some real classy birds sorted - tits, bums, minges, dress-sense, style, conversation, they got them in spades. You could even take them to the Queen's garden party and they?d do you proud. Forget about yer wanky lowbrow porn movies, this is a different league. Not cheap mind. But hey, you only live once.

After hearing of your splendid new porno character 'WPC Mingeworthy' I felt compelled to finger my keyboard (Oohh Matron!) I'm now on the first draft of my forthcoming porno opus 'Pumpin' Peelers'. Yes Magoo, you were the catalyst; you were the spark that ignited this current conflagration of cushty creativity. And so, in the fullness of time, when 'Pumpin' Peelers' has been hailed as the ultimate saviour and supreme pinnacle of the adult movie genre, I?ll expect you to stand along side me on the rostrum at Cannes and take equal credit as we both accept the specially created award for 'Most Wondrous Adult Movie In The History Of Creation' Yes, we?ll show the wanky fuckers, mark my words.

Now, I suggest that we adjourn to our favourite watering hole 'The Brazen Hussey' for a flagon or two of 'Old Speckled Ball-Bag' while we discuss fame, fortune, and our imminent celebrity.

Yours, as ever,


Officer Dibble

[Bruce Barnard]

Nice Reply, I tend to concur.



It wasn?t a criticism Dibble, just an observation. I?m guilty of the exact same thing, and always put it down to my need to feel validated by folk who were lucky enough to get a decent education.

Cheers

Bruce


PS: Don?t bust a hump with the book, plenty of time. It?s currently listed on Amazon.com with a Jan 2005 publication date.