Best religious jokes

[jimslip]

I shouldn't really start this thread since the last time I told a Jesus joke was 30 years ago, driving a transit van down a ice covered ravine in Sweden, as soon as I told it, the bonnet flew up and we nearly plunged over the cliff to our deaths!

Anyway here goes:

Jesus is on the cross, he looks down to the bottom of the hill and sees Peter his disciple. He calls out to him in a frail voice, "Peter, Peter, come to me!". Peter hears Him and desperately starts making his way up the hill through the crowd. He's stopped by a centurian, who recognizing him, punches and kicks him to the ground. Peter carries on regardless only to face another couple of centurians who give him another kicking. He can still hear the wailing, "Peter, Peter, come to me!" So he struggles on, covered in blood, this time he's grabbed by a mugger, punched in the face and robbed, but on he goes. Closer and closer, the wailing is getting louder, "Peter, Peter pleeeeease come to me!" Peter nearly unconcious, faces yet another beating from the brutal centurians, until exhausted he finally arrives at the foot of the cross, "Yes, Jesus, it is me Peter, what is it that you want!"

Jesus looks down, with a jolly smile and says, "You'll never guess what, I can see your house from here!"

[andy at handiwork]

A rabbi, an imam and an evengelical vicar are fishing in a rowing boat. The rabbi asks, 'Anybody fancy a drink? I'll go to the shop on the shore and get a few cans.' Up he gets, steps out of the boat and walks over the water to the shore. Five minutes later he's walking back over the water and gets back into the boat with little more than the soles of his shoes wet. A while later the imam asks if anybody would like something to eat. He gets out, walks over the water to the shore buys a few sandwiches and is soon back with only the soles of his shoes wet. The vicar is silently very impressed with the actions of the other two and clearly does not want to be left out of the walking on the water that his saviour did long ago and that these two non Christians seem able to do so in a few minutes says that he will go to the shop for a newspaper. He gets out of the boat and immediately sinks like a stone. Rabbi turns to the imam and says 'Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones?'

[andy at handiwork]

A big time holy roller faith healer is having a 'laying on of hands' before a huge crowd at Wembly. He has selected a couple of people from the throng to demonstrate his powers, one a lame man on crutches, the other a man with a bad stammer. Placing the two behind a screen he asks if they have faith. 'Yes' calls the lame man, 'Y-y-yes' stammers the other. ' Jim, throw away your crutches. Have you done it yet?' 'Yes' calls the man back. 'John, throw away your stammer and speak to us.' 'J-Jim's f-fallen over'.

[Jacques]

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross." So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car you stupid cunt."

[Jacques]

What have Guinness and a priest got in common?

Both have black coats and white collars, and God help your arse if you get a bad one.

[Jacques]

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

[Jacques]

What's white and flies through the sky?

The coming of the lord.