Purely in the interests of science

[Jacques]

Lets replace the word "wand" with "knob" in the first Harry Potter Book....

Here is what happens:

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me knob in half an' everything

A magic knob... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first knob. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice knob for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favoured a mahogany knob. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the knob. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the knob above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's knob, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's knob had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his knob out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy grey glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his knob, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his knob at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his knob very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he? Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his knob. Then, with a sigh, he raised his knob and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised knob.

[Sam Slater]

Lol........I always thought that Joanne Murray was a dirty whore.