Attn Crofter..

[Lizard]

Re your reply in the Wimbledon thread, I thought I would help you out with some of Lizards tips for getting the ladies.

do's
1. Always compliment the lady on her appearance, and hair.
2. Take her to a good quality restaraunt, preferably one thats open with tables and food.
3. Make sure you arrive on time for your date.
4. Make sure you have enough money with you.
5.make sure you are well groomed and use a quality deodorant.
6.make sure you are carrying some protection. If invited back to hers.

dont.

1. Tell her she looks a bit grim, but you can enhance her looks by ramming your cock in her jaw.
2. Take her to burger king, or jimmy's diner on the A4.
3. Learn to tell the time and get a watch, not a casio.
4. Dont mention your on benefits, try and borrow some cash from a friend.
5. Have a fucking bath, shave and change the underpants youv'e had on for the last 8 months.
6. Dont rely on that stash of used jonny's youv'e had for years, and IF invited back, after you pull out, dont wipe your bell end on the curtains.

hope this helps, if you need anymore advice....just ask.

[Jacques]

Top tips there Liz !thumbsup!

[Lizard]

He fucking needs all the help he can get.

[Sam Slater]

Soz to be pedantic, Liz, but some of your 'don'ts' are a bit dodgy.

Don't learn to tell the time?

Don't have a bath, shave or change your underpants?


You're just cock-blocking crofter, aren't you?

[Lizard]

sokay, Sam, he wont understand anyway, he'll just think i,m nagging him, but I,m just trying to help.

[crofter]

Lol so you have finally found that "Special Strength" Domestos that Mr(s). Lizard tried to hide before you were put inside ... erm sorry "went on tour".

I think some of those tips coming from a well known "cottager" as yourself are quite handy though ... but please get yer facts right, my underpants have only been worn for 4 months (us Scottish Cunts take a BIT of pride in our appearance unlike you Southern Spunkjockeys) but might have at least another couple of months usage in them if I drive carefully.

[Lizard]

Yes, 2 x pints of cillit bang and a bag of cheese and onion crisps have made me feel quite billious, anyway crofter Iv'e got a soft spot for you, and if this information helps you, I'll rest easy in me bed...I can only imagine what it must be like living on that remote island with only your reflection in the water for company....

your pal Liz.

[colonel]

Crofter,

I feel Liz wants to walk down Cadbury Crescent with you. It's that kind of care for you I see.

[Lizard]

Well lets face it Colonel, your pretty near Bourneville yourself aren't you? I am merely trying to advise my pal Crofter, we go back, way before you started propositioning forumites with the promise of a trip down the expressway.

[colonel]

I've never done such a thing! What a load of bollocks.

I've got no problem with homosexuality and just want people to be happy; but some posters, Lizzie, don't want that kind of thing pushed down their throats.