Agony Aunt - any advise?

[Bill Malone]

This is a good one.
I've fallen for a lovely girl (29) who's just come out of a 7 year relationship where she was emotionally abused by a man 10 years her senior. He'd constantly put her down and treat her like shit though wasn't violent toward her. she insisted she loved him. He was her first and she knew no different. She met me and I convinced her to break it up before it broke her up. They stayed friends as you would after ten years. I'm fine with that, he's miles away.

Now she started attending dance classes with me. She loves dance. I don't but it was fun watching her.

Now she tells me she's utterly in love with her dance teacher, a man in his 50s who is married. She says he is her soulmate. I certainly don't think were soulmates but Im very concerned. He seems like a cheating, no good bastard. His wife suspects he's cheating (not just with my girl but others) and the marriage has been rocky for ages as she seems very jealous. His previous dance assistant left suddenly and it appears there was somethng going on there (possibly her wanting him, not him wanting her).

We've spoken about this for weeks and I care about her so much that I'm resisting the urge to confront his wife which would almost certainly force them further underground.

Even she was having doubts last week having heard rumours he's charmed his way into others pants. But now she's back with him again.

It seems to me my girl just craves impossible men who are destined to treat her like shit. Either emotionally as a couple or now by not leaving his wife and keeping my girl dangling. I accept the age gap, I accept I'm a bit jealous and she's confused but what do I do? Just sit back and watch him wreck her life like the last guy did?

I predict most of you would either say "dump her", "thump him" or "grow up". These are not really options. Apart from the latter.

[jj]

"Just sit back and watch him wreck her life like the last guy did"?

Yeah, Bill; sorry, but she's an adult and has to make her own
mistakes. If you interfere, however altruistically [doubt....] you
will get flak, either way.
The best you can do is make sure you're there to pick up the pieces
after the inevitable catastrophe.
Be her friend. A REAL friend.

[Guilbert]

It is strange, but there are many women who fall for the "wrong" man / men.

Some women have very low esteem (as she seems to have if she stayed with that other guy for 10 years), and if this dance teacher is showing her a lot of attention she will thrive on it.

It is like when some women "fall" for their doctor, they see the fact he is taking an interest in them as a sign of "love" and totally misunderstand it.

I think we "men" can often see through false men who turn on the charm, but some women either cant or wont see that.

I also think many women crave excitement and can be "bored" by a good man who does all the right things but does not have that spark.

I am not sure there is anything you can do about it. As has been said, she is an adult, and is responsible for her own life. You cannot life her life for her.

I also feel she will probably go on making these mistakes for the rest of her life, or perhaps one day she may wake up and realise her life is going nowhere and may want to settle down.

[Guilbert]

btw, I do have a little bit of experience of your situation.

I met my current wife nearly 30 years ago. I was in a bad marriage and she was single, and she had just come out of a terrible relationship with a lethario who slept with all her friends.

But he was an exciting character who got involved in all sorts of dodgy deals and semi-criminal activities, and as she was young she found this all very exciting.

But in the end it all went wrong and he finished up pulling a gun out on her and forcing her out of the house they shared.

Now I am totally opposite to him. I am rather "boring" but had a good job,
treated her well, and paid all the bills on time.

So we got married, and we have been married 25 years. I think she decided to settle down with me and have a simpler, safer life. We do get on very well.

Thing is I hate criminal activity of any sort, and dont like the fact she was involved with him and sometimes i get very angry about what she has done, although now of course she has settled down, has a job working with special needs children and is a pillar of society.

So people can change, but maybe this girl has to go through a bit more before she decides to settle down.

I think you have to leave her to live her own life, but be there to support her if she needs it.

[mrchapel]

You`re stuck in the friend zone mate. Nothing you can do.
"I accept I'm a bit jealous and she's confused but what do I do? Just sit back and watch him wreck her life like the last guy did?

I predict most of you would either say "dump her", "thump him" or "grow up". These are not really options. Apart from the latter.
"


You know that if you interfer she`ll get pissed at you for interfering with her new prospective boyfriend and fuck you off for him.
Alternatively you`ll get to be her shoulder to cry on, be her very bestest friend and you can listen to her telling you how her treats her like shit, hit her spends her money, demeans her etc. You`ll get to do all the caring shite whilst he gets to tear up her balloon knot.
Get the fuck out of there, you`ll only torture yourself listening to her shit and theres nothing you can do.
In the words of comedian Jim Norton
"There`s no such thing as victims, only volunteers."

[Bill Malone]

Yeah. Thanks chaps.

Did I mention that her parents and her friends think he's an old letch, too, and that the sun shines out of my arse? :0)

That all about sums up my intentions, just wait with a dustpan and brush. But she'll be even more damaged after he's dragged his broken marriage over her. That's why I'm so angry. I occasionally bump into him at work and just nod recognition but next time I'm very tempted to pull him aside and play the calm guilt card. Have a little man to man, non threateningly, and point out what he's doing wrong. If nothing else his broken marriage will end and he can concentrate on the girl (then hopefully it'll end quicker!). Or he'll come to his senses and carry on with his wife. He can't fight back if I just tell him I'm concerned he's fucking my friend's head up.
The temptation to twat him with a frying pan will be immense, mind.

Cheers chaps.

[mrchapel]

Good luck man but you`re only torturing yourself

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/White_knight

[jj]

Lock yerself in a dark room, mate, with a load of Jirina vids; and come
out after 6 months.
Things will likely have changed then, and she'll maybe come a-running
for a cryable-upon shoulder.

And at least J. will then finally get your eye-stalks off her tight,
sweet, pert little bum : -))

[steve56]

Marge Proops Does She?

[one eyed jack]

Look! Up in the sky! Its a bird! Its a plane!

Nah its Mr Real Couples counsellor to the rescue.

yeah I think JJs nailed it before me

All I can say is there are many girls like your friend who are attracted to men that are bad for them and no matter what advice you give that is for her own good she will still follow her heart blindly because that is just how some women are...Big emotional engines.

You cannot reason with an emotional woman o all that is left is to help heal if she falls but the sad part of this is you might have to take the brint of all the anti man feelings she will have and if you get too far into the friend zone...Well like En Vogue sang "You aint never gone get it. Not this tiiiiime. My lur-vin"

If being a friend to her is all you are happy with then be that good friend. Friendship has its own rewards as sometimes you might be even closer to her than any other man who has been inside of her.

You are in her heart and the reason why she cant do anyhting with you is because it will feel like shagging her brother.

(Yeah Ive heard that one too)