Oh, sod it: I'll risk it.......

[jj]

The Complete Military History of France:

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when Someone else does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponents were also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the British
and United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but with one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, widespread use of condoms by British/American forces forestalls any
improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, taking to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

[steve56]

thanks for that jj,you left out when they invaded ireland.

[woodgnome]

risk what? you've had nothing removed:

[jj]

I am a senile old fool who should have been euthanatised ages ago: the problem was, I thought I'd posted it in the 'American' thread, when of course, it was in the 'Oxymoron' thread. Nice bit of logic there on my part....
Read 'moron' for the last, and it's about right.
Still, it's kept you amused and occupied for a bit..........

[Peter]

I think you should show more respect for the cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

(attrib. Homer Simpson)

[jj]

A true philosopher.

[jj]

...and I did a search under 'Canada/Canadians' with no result before crying 'foul', which may just have meant that it hadn't reached the Archives by then.
At least I didn't try and blame the New Improved Forum.....although my idea of innovation is using Post-It notes: aren't they just great? And so many pretty colours........

[Lizard]

You forgot to mention the Roquefort cheese wars of 1843,when many perished in the Dairyground,s of Condom.... also there was the Altercation of the Chablis tribes of the Loire valley...oh! and the Day of the Jackass! that was a good one..

fancy a cake with yer tea?

[jj]

Yes, please.
Fruitcake........

[Lizard]

Good choice...