Top 10 car accessories for chavs

[R18 DVD Shop]

(Nicked from msn.com or somewhere like that)

As you probably know by now, the ubiquitous chavs are Britain?s new ruling class, and their benign presence can be felt up and down the land. One of their defining features is their wondrous ability to spend vast sums of money on their cars without making any discernible impact on their value whatsoever ? quite the reverse in most cases in fact. Here?s our partially tongue-in-cheek guide to the must-have accessories to be seen with down the multiplex or outside the kebab shop at the weekend.

1. Alloy wheels
These make your car go a lot faster, honest. They must be shiny and aggressive-looking, and must advertise yourself to be an amphetamine salesman even if you aren?t one. Obviously, the bigger the contrast between the wheels and the clapped-out old banger that sits on them, the better.

2. Multiple tailpipes
As all chavs know, more tailpipes equals more speed, probably. The bog-standard Vauxhall Novas and Fiat Unos that chav-mobiles started out life as many years ago usually had weedy, small and thin exhausts, which is obviously no good at all. Get yourself down to Halfords immediately to fix this problem. If you haven?t got the cash a few Heinz baked-bean cans painted black should do the trick.

3. Custom number plates that use an illegible font
The longer people have to stare at your car to work out what it says, the cooler you are. Unlike most accessories unreadable number plates are illegal but to the average chav this may be the least of their problems.

4. LED under-car lighting
Is your favourite film ?The Fast and the Furious?? Is your second ?Too Fast Too Furious?? Well if so then you?ll know that this is de-rigeur equipment for the Saturday-night cruising set. If you want to really establish your credentials then animated lights are considered preferable.

5. LED dashboard bulbs
A dashboard seems so dull without these, don?t you think? The big problem with these is that no-one else can really see them as you handbrake-turn your way past the Burger King drive-thru; showing off your effortless good taste at all times is second-nature to a chav, as any fule kno, so spending money on things people can?t see would seem to miss the point. We recommend spending the money on the next section instead...

6. In-car entertainment system
Feel that your area is lacking an earthquake-style thumping beat? Feel that not imposing your exquisite musical tastes on all and sundry would be a grave omission? Well luckily you too can spend literally thousands of pounds on the biggest, baddest, loudest sound system that money can buy.

7. Rear spoiler
Take one piece of corrugated iron from your old school's bikeshed roof. Get four nails from B&Q. Carefully nail corrugation to back of Nova. Hey presto ? a rear-wing that looks as good as the one on a 911 Turbo and will make the car go faster still. We quite like the one on the current Subaru Impreza, a car that will become chavtastically ubiquitous in about 10 years' time.

8. Flared wheel arches
The bigger the better.

9. Vented bonnet
Every car should have one, probably. We like the one on the Impreza, though it is clearly too refined and not showy-offy enough. We gather it may even serve a practical purpose too, which is obviously totally unacceptable. The golden rules for all chav accessories is that they must all be utterly and irredeemably useless, and essentially worthless as soon as they are bought or stolen.

10. Windswept car park near the roundabout
Previously ruling classes of Great Britain would promenade of a summer's evening before taking in a concert, perhaps. In our more enlightened and inclusive age, today?s leaders are no different but promenading would involve exercise and even worse, take up time that could be more usefully spent watching ?Trisha? and QVC. So chavs have to go by car whenever possible, and congregate in the new focal point of modern Britain - a car park of some hideous retail-estate, preferably housing at least one TK-Max and one New Look.

[The Last Word]

Well at least they don't patronise other drivers with those Baby On Board stickers.

Or have matching mountain bikes perched on the roof rack.

Or drive 4x4s around the rocky, inhospitable terrain of Sainbury's car park...

(etc, etc)

[mart]

What happened to go faster stripes, fake bullet holes, names across the top of the windscreen, dangling dice etc. etc?
Yesterday's fashions.

Mart

[Heathray]

Actually a good set of alloys will add value to any car, chav mobile or not. A Merc, Audi or Beemer with steel wheels is dead in the car trade. A tasteful set of Alpinas or BBS wheels look good, not cheap TSW or Italian low grade shite.

[mart]

Oh dear! I wish you hadn't asked that.

Mart

[Pervert]

Be warned: Scandanavian mythological creature suspected. Either that or the schools are off.