Airline Stories

[Dorrin]

Some of the airlines and planes may have passed away but the jokes still fly!





Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

============================================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

===========================================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm

f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

============================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the

little

Fokker in sight."

============================================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While

attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,

ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

============================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll

out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end

of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe

exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the

airport."

============================================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing

because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air

Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a

B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

============================================================

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and

returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A

concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the

problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained

the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

============================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."

============================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on

frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of

the

runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from

Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,

we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

=============================================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short

of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,

turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted

comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you

make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a

real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and

I'll have enough parts for another one."

=================================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it

was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the

following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British

Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I

didn't land."

============================================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,

screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right

onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I

know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but

get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take

forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and

I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I

tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control

communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing

of US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her

current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was

definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Dorrin]

Australian Stories

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors/tourists. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, How do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.



Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[Pervert]

There's nothing better than biting, scathing, sarcastic, nasty humour. Some good ones there.