The day I got noshed by that bird off of TVX

[Jacques]

January 8th 2005, Bristol, England.

It was a cold, drizzly winter night in Brizzl as the locals call it. I was stuck in a hotel room near to Temple Meads with just the shite 'adult' channel for company. It wasn't that I was snowed in or anything it was just that I decided not to leave the hotel as three times earlier in the day I had been approached by junkie scum for money for a fix one of which was subsequently given a twating by someone else he approached. Fuck that - off to the hotel bar to load my expenses allowance.

It was here that I found all the other guests doing the same thing - hotel safe, outside, nothing but junkie scum. Several drinks later with various Sales Reps and suchlike, I ended up on a lovely soft red leather sofa sitting next to a tall, thin, very pretty blonde. Vodka and lime was her tipple. And so using all of my well honed charm and a little bit of comedy to 'pull', we went back to my room where she proceeded to nosh me off amongst doing other unspeakable things. I had no say in the matter, not that I minded.

And that was that - a one night stand and a very enjoyable one at that.

A few months later there she was getting boned on TVX, pot plant penetration style with pants on for the full effect. I just kept thinking what a lucky bastard I was that night.

[Emily Cartwright]

December 7th 2005, London, England.

It was a cold, drizzly winter night in Lahndan as the locals call it. I was stuck in a hotel room near to King's Cross with just the shite 'adult' channel for company. It wasn't that I was snowed in or anything it was just that I decided not to leave the hotel as three times earlier in the day I had been approached by New Labour scum for money for a Peerage one of which was subsequently given a twating by someone else he approached. Fuck that - off to the hotel bar to load my expenses allowance.

It was here that I found all the other guests doing the same thing - hotel safe, outside, nothing but Blairite scum. Several drinks later with various MPs and suchlike, I ended up on a lovely soft red leather sofa sitting next to a squat, frumpy, fuck-ugly old trout. Stout & Black was her tipple. And so using all of my well honed charm and a little bit of comedy to 'pull', we went back to my room where she proceeded to nosh me off amongst doing other unspeakable things. I had no say in the matter, not that I minded.

And that was that - a one night stand and a very enjoyable one at that.

A few months later there she was getting thrashed on Celebrity Fat Fuck Club, SAS recruitment training style with pants on for the full effect. I just kept thinking what a lucky bitch I was that night.

[Jacques]

!laugh! I see what you did there.

[Arnold Layne]

I've created a monster!

oh no it was mike!

ha ha charade you are biyatch!

[Ned]

her hair went white.

Poor cow.

[Pervert]

!bow!

[colonel]

Indeed.

Miss Cartwright satire genius. Possibly dodgy politics ,but damn funny lady.

[Arnold Layne]

Take over from mikey freemany perlllllllllleaaseeee Emily!

[steve56]

Shes in Countdown now.